|
After getting the runaround from everyone else, I finally went straight to the source. I made the following phone call to Far East Foods, the firm that fabricated the fibbing fortune.
JOHN HARGRAVE: I got some takeout from a Chinese restaurant a few weeks ago, and my fortune cookie read, "A golden egg of opportunity will fall in your lap this month." That never happened.
FAR EAST FOODS: [female] Uh huh.
JH: I saw your company's name on the wrapper, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm really mad about this.
FEF: OK ... ah ... you need to talk to Queenie, but she in a meeting.
JH: Is Queenie a woman? Or a gay man?
FEF: Uh ... it's a girl, Queenie.
JH: Please pull Queenie out of her meeting. This is important.
FEF: Uh ... can you call back?
JH: No. I want you to get Queenie on the phone right now, and she better have a good explanation for her name.
FEF: Uh ... OK, hold on please.
[Hold time of 3:34]
FEF: Hello?
JH: Queenie, I got one of your fortunes from this Chinese restaurant, and it said, "A golden egg of opportunity will fall into your lap this month." That never happened.
FEF: Oh, ha ha ha.
JH: What the hell is so funny? I'm really pissed off about this.
FEF: Really? Um, I think ... well, it may happen still.
JH: But your fortune said one month, Queenie. One month!
FEF: Well, it sounds like this fortune not come true.
JH: [Like Johnnie Cochran going in for the kill] So you admit that your fortune lied?
FEF: It's just a fortune, right? It's like a [unintelligible] for fun, with monkey. People will say it's fortune telling, it may not happen. So times like that, you're hoping it would happen, it's really frustrating, I understand that.
JH: But it said one month. That's a binding legal contract between you and me, Queenie.
FEF: Well, not all fortune telling come true. It's [unintelligible], you know? [Unintelligible] in yellow hot rod.
JH: I'm calling my lawyer.
FEF: Oh, oh, oh, no. Maybe you want to drop us a letter saying you get mad and wanted to take action. I think the average person gets a fortune inside a cookie, fortune telling something that makes you happy or feel better. Like lucky numbers, not a number that will win, just a happy thing.
JH: So you lie about the numbers, too? I can't BELIEVE this! I lost my prized harpsichord betting on those damn numbers!
FEF: You lose money on number, it just for fun, you know?
JH: Who wrote the fortune? I want to talk to the bastard that wrote this fortune!
FEF: Well, ah ... it was written long time ago.
JH: How long? 1975? The 1600's?
FEF: Uh ...
JH: 5th century B.C.?
FEF: Uh ... ah, I don't know, this could have been last year.
JH: Yeah, well, clearly you guys aren't real accurate on your time measurements.
FEF: We generate all these fortune messages internally, we have thousands of messages.
JH: Do you know how many people I told about my golden egg of opportunity?
FEF: OK.
JH: I went to a party where I told EVERYONE. Do you realize what a fool I must look like now?
FEF: OK, well, let's say you get frustrated, let's talk to our people, and it sounds like we'll take it out. We say people get frustrated and fortune not come true.
JH: Then why don't you call them mildly probable fortune cookies?
FEF: Please, I am sorry...
JH: One month, my ass. You know what happened last month? My aunt got cancer.
FEF: Ohhh ... I sympathize that.
JH: And I dropped a heavy steel magnet on my toe.
FEF: Look: bad month, it's passing. You have positive outlook. Things may look up in the future.
JH: Here's the story, Queenie: I want $10,000.
FEF: Ooh ... ah, ten thousand of what?
JH: Of dollars.
FEF: Oh, ah, ten thousand dollars?
JH: For pain and suffering, mental damages, and my toe.
FEF: Um ... can you write letter of formal complaint, formal letter, telling us what you feel? We read it here, you know?
JH: Or a helicopter.
FEF: You can ask for anything, you know? [Unintelligible] is in the sky.
JH: I'll tell you my golden egg of opportunity: the settlement I get from Far East Foods when I sue your ass!
FEF: Please, sir. Send a formal letter in writing to send it to us, and we ...
JH: [Crying now] YOU PROMISED ME A GOLDEN EGG, QUEENIE! IT WAS A HORRIBLE MONTH! MY WIFE LEFT ME! [Sobbing]
FEF: Ah ... oh, I hope you had a better time in the future then.
JH: [Still sobbing]
FEF: Hello? Sir?
JH: [Softly] You're a meanie, Queenie. Next: Lessons learned!
|
