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 Ben may have been born in Boston, but he fled for Philly. Nowadays, Philadelphia is where the real Ben Franklin impersonator, a gentleman by the name of Ralph Archbold, is headquartered. Mr. Archbold is the actor upon whom I based my Ben Franklin impersonation, and I can only assume that the writers of the "Ben Franklin" episode of The Office did the same. Back in Faneuil Hall for The Franklin Prank, I was working up to my violent climax. "I invented many things!" I shouted. "I invented the lightning rod, and I also invented lightning! Yes, the force of my elemental fingertips caused static bursts of electricity to discharge from the sky!"
"I invented the cotton gin!" I shouted. I was really getting worked up. "Many of you may have been taught that it was invented by Eli Whitney! Scholars now credit me, BEN FRANKLIN, as inventor of the device!" The crowd slowly began to back away. Everyone knew something was wrong, but no one was quite sure what it was. "I invented robots!" I shouted. "I know it seems like I'm bragging, but I did! I invented a mechanical helper with powerful laser hands, so that he could protect himself if attacked!" "Unfortunately, the robot did not work out correctly, and began firing at random! Quickly, I invented the time machine, and used it to send the robot to the future! With horror, I realized what I had done! I had unleashed a terror upon a future time! And that time, my friends, is TODAY!" The security guards began actively hassling Kevin Sites, who remained cool under pranking pressure, keeping the cameras rolling. "LADIES, GENTLEMEN, DO NOT PANIC!" I screamed. "BUT THERE IS A ROBOT WITH LASER HANDS IN YOUR MIDST! IF YOU SEE HIM, PLEASE ALERT ME, BENJAMIN FRANKLIN!" At that moment, my comrade in pranking, the great Moses Blumenstiel, began to descend from a huge spiral staircase along the side of the rotunda. Moe was dressed in a robot costume, which was really a silver jumpsuit with a metallic fireman's helmet on top. The costume shop had given us the wrong size, so the jumpsuit was literally bursting at the seams, with Moses' ass hanging out the back flap. From the front, it looked cool. From the back, it looked ridiculous.
Moses came down the stairs, his hands out in front of him like a robot from a MST3K movie. "AAAAGHHHH!" I screamed. "THERE HE IS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, EVERYONE!" I began to haul away, the robot chasing me. Bewildered, people cleared a path for us, trying to figure out what the hell was happening. "AHHHH!" I screamed. "KILLER ROBOT WITH LASER HANDS!" Moe and I ran wildly through Faneuil Hall, until the security guards began to run after us. I cleared out of the building, and began walking briskly to the outer edge of the property, my pantaloons falling down around my ankles. The funniest part of the day was one of the security guards following me as I jogged to the edge of the property and into the public space beyond. "I've got him!" he shouted into his walkie-talkie. "I've got Ben Franklin!" Not "I've got the idiot dressed up as Ben Franklin," but "I've got Ben Franklin." And so every one of those tourists went home with a fantastic story about this crazy Ben Franklin impersonator who was chased by a robot who was chased by security guards. You can't buy that kind of entertainment. But you can watch it for free, on Yahoo! People of the Web. Kevin Sites is my new hero. | ||||||||||
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