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After a day of being rejected by celebrities, we went back to the office and formulated a plan. Academy Award-winning actor Charlize Theron was having her home remodeled, with dozens of contractors and construction workers buzzing about her property. This was a perfect opportunity to clean and protect her gutters.  Esquire named her "Sexiest Woman Alive." We named her "Sexiest Gutters Alive." We went online to find this paparazzi photo of her home, which showed that her gutters were BADLY in need of cleaning:  Look at the buildup of ivy and moss, which is a telltale sign of clogged gutters:  Could you imagine Charlize Theron, up on her roof, trying to clean these things out? All she needs is one bad slip off a ladder, and BAM! Her career is sidelined, and we've lost a national treasure. So the next morning we got up early, pulled on our jumpsuits, and drove out to the Hollywood Hills. We were going to clean the gutters of Charlize Theron.  We sat outside Charlize Theron's house, hearts pounding. "Marc, I think you should stay in the car," I said. "Just in case we need to make a getaway." He nodded. I figured things would go much more smoothly if I had a clipboard. So earlier that morning, I had created an official-looking document, which was pinned smartly to my clipboard. Pretending to scribble notes as I walked, I confidently strode into the Charlize Theron compound.  "Everyone trusts a man with a clipboard" I took a moment to survey Charlize Theron's breathtaking Spanish Revival-style mansion. The house itself was beautiful, with an ornate front door and a lovely stone fountain in the courtyard -- but the yard was a mess. It was a hive of activity, with contractors laying concrete, leveling ground, and landscaping shrubs. People were shouting, pounding, driving Bobcats: construction madness. It was the perfect cover for getting on Charlize Theron's roof.  "That's about $1000 a minute" I borrowed an unused ladder, and set it against the L-shaped portion of the house (which turned out to be a storage area). I began climbing the ladder, when suddenly a voice shouted, "HEY!" I turned around, adrenaline flooding my body. It was one of the foremen, and he didn't look happy. I looked for a quick exit. "That is not the proper way to set a ladder!" he barked at me. He made me get down, then pulled the ladder out a few feet from the wall. "You want an arm's length reach to the wall!" he said. "Arm's length!" "I'm sorry," I said, making a note on my clipboard. "Thank you." He turned without saying another word, and left to supervise his crew.  The gutters were a golden copper, the color of her skin.  At least, when she's covered in gold paint. I cleaned out my underwear, then climbed on top of Charlize Theron's roof. Once there, I saw the ivy and moss had already been cleared away, to make room for a new set of solar panels. This was good, as some of our work had been done for us. But there was still plenty of clutter in the gutter, not to mention the important task of protecting Charlize Theron's gutters from National Enquirer or Access Hollywood.   It may not look like much, but I assure you they were filthy. I climbed down the ladder, being very careful to watch my step. It would be embarrassing to say I broke my leg while falling off Charlize Theron's roof. I chatted it up with a few of the workers, who were happy to help me take some measurements. Later, if anyone questioned why we were there, we'd now have some folks who could vouch for the work we did. Quality. Service. That's what Celebrity Gutters is all about.  Not to be confused with "The Homo Depot," a popular Hollywood hangout for gays. Marc and I drove to Home Depot, where we were faced with a tough decision. We knew we wanted to install gutter guards on Charlize Theron's house, but what kind? Ideally, we wanted a premium brand like Gutter Helmet, but Home Depot doesn't carry them. We'd have to make do with one of the generic alternatives. We splurged for the highest-priced gutter guards that Home Depot carries, $1.98 for a three-foot section. We got a bucket and some gloves, then drove back to Charlize Theron's house, our materials in hand.  "The dizzying heights of fame" Marc climbed up the ladder first, and took our materials to the front of the building. I was getting ready to climb up when another foreman walked over. "Who are you?" he asked, looking at the paper logo on my jumpsuit that was coming unglued. "Celebrity Gutters," I said. "Here to install some gutter guards. My name's John." I extended my hand, which he shook warily. "You need some help?" he asked, suspiciously. "If you wouldn't mind holding the ladder, that would be great," I said. I climbed to the top of the ladder and pretended to take some notes on my clipboard. I spent about three minutes doodling, until I heard a voice from below me. "Do you still need me here?" he asked. "Sorry," I said, not realizing he was still holding the ladder. "Thanks, we're good." I watched as he walked away, then scrambled up to join Marc. For the next half hour, I cleaned debris out of Charlize Theron's gutters, while Marc quietly shot footage that we could use in our promotional video. The blazing California sun heated our dark blue jumpsuits to the temperature of nuclear plasma, and before long we were drenched in sweat. "This is surprisingly hard work," I whispered to the camera. "I've never cleaned a gutter before."  We nearly filled this bucket with twigs and berries.  We're thinking of marketing it as "Charlize Granola." Next we began the arduous task of installing gutter screens. Occasionally a worker would look up from the ground, watching what we were doing, but Marc and I did a masterful job of keeping a steady stream of official-sounding patter. "Going to need a 12-incher for that," one of us would say. "I've got one in my pocket," the other would reply. "Want me to shave off a side with the Hasselhoff?" "Yeah, try to leave about two Courics' worth." The workers would quietly walk away, clearly in awe of our technical knowledge.  We toiled in the hot summer sun, cutting the gutter guards to size and snapping them in place. It was dirty, thankless work. Although we were doing it for free, we knew the look on the Oscar-winning actor's face would be worth it when she discovered her gutters were spotlessly clean! "Before, cleaning my gutters was a time-consuming and dangerous task," Charlize Theron would say, in the Academy Award-winning infomercial that I was editing in my mind. "But not any more. Thank you, Celebrity Gutters!" We snapped the last gutter guard into place, then crouched back and proudly examined our work.  "Monster workmanship"  "Just like they install them in North Country"  "Even better than using Aeon Flux" We surveyed the rest of her gutters, considering whether to finish off her whole house, but decided this was a chicken sampler, not the whole teriyaki combo plate. We'd give her one gutter for free, and if she liked it, we'd be happy to complete the rest of the house for our low price of $100,000 per square foot. We got down from the ladder and put everything back where we found it. I made a few more notes on my clipboard, then turned and walked back to the car. "I have a confession to make," Marc told me as we drove away. "I'm afraid of heights." With the satisfaction of fears conquered and a job well done, we drove to the nearby Hollywood sign to shoot our promotional video, which will soon blanket the airwaves around Los Angeles. Celebrity Gutters. We Keep Our Minds in the Gutter ... So our Clients Don't Have To.™ | |||||||||||||
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