The Kasutera Prank
by Jay Cornelius and John Hargrave
We'd like to think that sex isn't the
backbone of the Internet. A kidney
or spleen perhaps, but not the
foundation upon which the Net is
built.
But consider these facts. Web
sites containing pornography are
almost always shut down because
the servers can't handle the traffic
load. The Naked News gets thousands
of visitors a day because, well,
they're reading the news naked.
And when ZUG got Techno-
Shamans In Texas listed in
Yahoo, we received more hits in
one day from people searching
on the word "sex" than we did
from our entire mention in CNET.
Clearly we are in the wrong
business.
As with our HotPad Prank, the
best place to find sex-starved
brainless males is America
Online. For this prank, we
wanted to pinpoint the most
gullible male in the chat rooms.
We created a fake user ID
called "Kasutera," a sex
goddess with a name that
sounded quite close to "Kama
Sutra." We actually gave away
what Kasutera was going to do:
lead them into a room and then
reveal that she was a man.
Her personal profile read like this.
Screen Name: Kasutera
Location: Planet of Goddesses
Birthdate: SEX.
Sex: Female
Marital Status: Single
Computers: 1 Joystick, hard and warm.
Hobbies: Men, sex, kisses, warmth, roses, and occasional speed-boating.
Occupation: Fluffer, Lingerie Model, Phone sex babe, Playboy auditioning.
Quote: Join me in a private room then I will reveal I am a man.
What follows is a transcript of
the evening's events, with
after-the-fact comments. All
names have been changed to
protect the guilty.
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Stacey Online". ***
OnlineHost:
PoodlePoo: Does anyone want to trade gifs pictures
JDF310: where's stacey?
BobTour: I pronounce this room officially dead though
STEE805: how do you trade a gif??
When Kasutera entered the
room, PoodlePoo was
desperately trying to interest
people in trading sexually
explicit "gifs" photographs.
Unfortunately, this was
America Online. No one had
a clue what he was talking
about.
Kasutera: Hi boys!
SmallGuy: Hey, Kas.
Ass123: Hi Kaust
SmallGuy: Hey, Stee.
Kasutera: I'm licking a lollipop right now!
ASPEN193: hi
PoodlePoo: send me a message if you want to trade gifs
Kasutera: It's green.
PoodlePoo: !!
SmallGuy: What's a gif?
Kasutera tried to be heard over
the din of PoodlePoo's
impassioned pleas for
pornography.
Kasutera: Anyone wanna hear about my lollipop?
Kasutera: Mmmm...lime green.
SmallGuy: Isn't he a broadcaster?
Ass123: Hmmm! U seem like a tease Kaus
Kasutera: Lime green lollipop.
SmallGuy: Talk, Kasut.
JCarr311: YES
Kasutera: Anyone wanna hear about my lollipop I'm licking?
SmallGuy: Why the hangup on Lollipops?
Kasutera: Up and down, to and fro...
BobTour: Kasut is a guy
So far every male in the room
had read Kasutera's personal
profile, and BobTour had even
pointed it out: Kasutera is a
guy. These next few lines
read like poetry, a tribute to the
stupidity of men.
Kasutera: MMM....
SmallGuy: Do you, uh, suck?
JDF310: kas, want an all day sucker?
Kasutera: Tasty lollipop.
PoodlePoo: Anyone want tp trdae gifs??
Kasutera: JDF, I'd love it.
SmallGuy: Like to suck it?
Tward3396: yes
BobTour: I bet he does!!
SmallGuy: What's a gif?
Women: next time you need
proof that men are pigs, just
print out these last few lines.
Any jury will convict the male
sex on evidence like that.
Kasutera: I love to lick and suck!
Kasutera: This lollipop, that is.
PoodlePoo: a naked picture
JDF310: kas, hows the suction ?
Kasutera: Now I'm licking a cherry!
Kasutera: Mmmm!
Kasutera: What a good cherry!
Kasutera: Anyone wanna hear about my cherry?
Kasutera: I'm tasting it right now!
Kasutera: Mmmm!
PoodlePoo: Any one WANT OT TRADE PICTURES
PoodlePoo: PICTURES
Manny1120: sure is it ripe
Kasutera: It's so sweet and tart!
PoodlePoo: PICTURES
Kasutera: I love cherries!
STEE805: what kind of gifs??
Kasutera: And lime-green lollipops!
Kasutera: Anyone wanna hear about my strawberries?
JDF310: kas, are you really a chick?
Though suspicion was building,
Kasutera was being slathered
with requests to enter a "private"
chat room. Kasutera roped as
many men as possible into her
private electronic chamber.
Kasutera: Ans and Gret are gonna go private with me in private room LICKME.
Join us!
Kasutera: Come along, JDF!
PoodlePoo: DOES ANYONE WANT TO TRADE GIF PICTURES
JDF310: be there in a flash
PoodlePoo: HELLO
And with the faint echoes of
PoodlePoo still in her ears,
Kasutera entered private room
LICKME to find ten guys
eagerly waiting.
OnlineHost: *** You are in "LICKME". ***
OnlineHost:
Kasutera: Hi Gret!
DAVEPR2808: HI
Kasutera: Mmm, this lollipop sure is good.
Kasutera: What are you licking, Gret?
Kasutera: Can I call you Gret?
DAVEPR2808: sure
Kasutera: You licking anything?
Kasutera: Have I told you about my bowl of fresh fruit?
Kasutera: Hi JDF!
JDF310: hey kas you human hoover
Kasutera: It's warm and pleasant in here!
DAVEPR2808: NO
Kasutera: I'm feeling a little moist!
Kasutera: This fresh fruit beside me: apples, peaches, blueberries, plums,
and yams.
Kasutera: I don't know what the yams are doing there, but I'm sure we'll find
a use! ;)
You know how we hate the
smileys. So Kasutera took
a few moments to mock them.
Kasutera: ;) :0 ;-00
Kasutera: /'o
Kasutera: Okay everyone, tell me what you'd like me to lick!
JDF310: age/sex check, m/29
Kasutera: I'll lick anything in sight!
Kasutera: Anything at all!
Kasutera: I'll lick my keyboard!
Kasutera: C'mon, you hot hung studs!
Kasutera: Tell me what to lick!
Kasutera: I long to lick something!
Kasutera: TELL ME!
Kasutera: NOW!
DAVEPR2808: MY SCHLONG
JDF310: lick my mouse ball you vacuum
Kasutera: Gret, bring your schlong on over here.
Kasutera: Bring it on over!
Kasutera: I've got my kiwi fruits at the ready!
DAVEPR2808: ok
Slowly Kasutera began to
reveal her horrible secret.
Kasutera: Has anyone here ever made love to a pineapple ring?
DAVEPR2808: no
Kasutera: No one? Not one of you?
Kasutera: Has anyone made an artificial vagina out of a vegetable of some
sort?
Kasutera: Or a fruit?
JDF310: just an occasional slice of raw liver
DAVEPR2808: can i lick you?
Kasutera: Perhaps cut the side out of a bell pepper or squash?
Kasutera: Gret, I'll do the licking around here.
Kasutera: Answer me now.
Kasutera: Have you ever filled up a watermelon with maple syrup and slowly
slid your hot tool?
Kasutera: In and out?
Kasutera: Mmmm...that's nice.
JDF310: how about a ripe avacodo?
Kasutera: Feels so good.
Kasutera: Has anyone ever stuck individual grapes up your anus?
DAVEPR2808: no.u?
You could feel the awful
realization beginning to dawn
on them.
Kasutera: Any of you other guys ever masturbate into a sock, or do you usually
use Kleenex?
JDF310: no but i'd let you give me the first run
Kasutera: Man, I've got a ripe pear up my bunghole, and it feels so sweet.
Kasutera: Oh man.
Kasutera: Man.
Kasutera: Oooh.
Kasutera: I'm munching on a carrot too.
JDF310: your full of fruit,any orafaces still open?
Kasutera: I'm licking, all right.
Kasutera: Trying to lick the tip of my cock.
DAVEPR2808: is there a banana in ure pussy?
Kasutera: Can't quite reach it though!
Kasutera: Can any of you guys?
Kasutera: Oh man, I am so hairy. I need a woman bad.
Kasutera: Any of you other guys know if there are any women on AOL?
Kasutera: I'm such a pathetic loser.
Kasutera: What am I doing in here?
JDF310: kas are you a fruit pie or what?
Kasutera: I'm going to blow my head off.
Kasutera: Shut the hell up, JDF.
BROS: hello
Kasutera: What do you think you are, some kind of electronics catalog?
Kasutera: What kind of a name is JDF?
JDF310: later queers
Kasutera: And what the hell are all you guys doing in here anyway?
DAVEPR2808: any females
BROS: Their in Hershy Heaven
Half the men in the room left,
which was good. Kasutera
wanted to find the most
gullible man on America Online,
so the smarter ones had to be
weeded out. Interestingly,
JDF310 pretended to leave but
stayed in the room...just in case.
Kasutera: Only kidding, guys. I just wanted to see who was committed to me.
Kasutera: I'm hot and ready.
Kasutera: For all of you.
Kasutera: Now.
Kasutera: Whoever makes the first move, gets me first!
Kasutera: I've got a bowl of maraschino cherries ready to drizzle on top of
my chest!
Kasutera: Mmmm!
Kasutera: Mmm-mmm!
Kasutera: Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!
Kasutera: Tasty!
JDF310: describe your arioles
Kasutera: They're round...
Kasutera: Much like the seeds of a pomegranate.
JDF310: silver dollars or little nibs, missles or melons?
JoeBob376: let me lick your big tits Kasutera
Kasutera: Have you ever seen soccer balls, JDF?
Kasutera: JoeBart, I'm sweet as honey and ripe as a melon.
JDF310: what do they measure?
Kasutera: I'm sugar-sweet, like snap peas!
JoeBob376: like to eat you out
Once again Kasutera showed
her true colors.
JDF310: still around kas?
Kasutera: Mmm...just stroking myself.
Kasutera: Oh...
Kasutera: Having a hard time typing...
Kasutera: Ready to land a cumshot on the monitor...
Kasutera: An enormous cumshot, the size of Des Moines.
Kasutera: My cock's pretty sore...
Kasutera: And so is my hand, from cupping my balls all night long!
Kasutera: I can't believe you guys love to hear me describe myself as a
female!
Kasutera: Didn't you read my goddam profile?
Kasutera: What are you, all idiots?
JDF310: bye you fruit loop
Kasutera: Get those fists off those wankers!
This time JDF310 left for good.
And so did everyone else,
except one person: DAVEPR2808,
the most gullible man on
America Online. Kasutera's
mission was finished.
Kasutera: Dave, I appreciate you hanging in with us.
Kasutera: We're the brothers of Alpha Alpha Epsilon, and we've been pulling a
little prank tonight.
DAVEPR2808: where just listening to u make a fool of ypurself??
Kasutera: There's twenty-five of us in a room, and we've been taking turns
typing.
Kasutera: The funny thing is, there's actually one woman among us.
Kasutera: We'll put her on now.
Kasutera: Hang on...
DAVEPR2808: ya'llsuck,u make me sick
Kasutera: Hi.
Kasutera: (this is the real Kasutera)
DAVEPR2808: i guess i'm supose to think your a female??
Kasutera: yEah, those guys put Me up to this
DAVEPR2808: i'll bet
Kasutera: OK Gret, i'm gonna go. sorry about them.
DAVEPR2808: i'm gonna go find myself a "real"woman,goodnite.
Kasutera: i'm gonna masturbate myself to a screaming climax tonight,
goodnite.
