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Adored by the right, reviled by the left, our final fundraiser was to get political
commentator Bill O'Reilly off the air. Exactly how we were going
to get O'Reilly off the air was never quite clear, but proceeds would
go to the William J. Clinton
Foundation, the most liberal charity
we could find. Maybe they could do something about that obnoxious blowhard.  Even though it was the end of the day, and raining, this fundraiser drew our biggest and most enthusiastic crowds. Shoving a pie in Bill O'Reilly's face gets liberals even more excited than raising taxes.  All four of these people threw a pie at O'Reilly.  This was our first customer to buy two pies.  Stereo pie!  This lady bought pie for all three of her kids to throw in Bill O'Reilly's face. (A pie-fecta.)  Our youngest Bill O'Reilly pie-thrower (four years old).  A few people asked whether they should hit the clown's face, or Bill O'Reilly's face. Some did both. Wave after wave of people splattered their frustrations on Bill O'Reilly. After an hour, Mike looked like he been crapped upon by a giant condor.  "No more pie," he begged. "I'm going into diabetic shock."  BILL O'REILLY FUNDRAISER RESULTS Money earned from liberals: $83.00 Pies thrown by liberals: 27, plus some random tins hurled in anger Signatures collected from liberals: 19 Overall, we had gone through more than 40 cans of whipped cream, destroyed countless pie tins, and raised nearly four hundred dollars for charity. Our booth was a disaster zone, with sticky, slippery cream sprayed over everything in a ten-foot radius:  This is what liberal anger looks like. FINAL RESULTS Hour 1: Environmental Issues Slogan: Stop Global Warming! Charity: World Wildlife Fund Donations: $45.00 Signatures: 16 Hour 2: 2nd Amendment Issues Slogan: Stop Handgun Violence! Charity: Stop Handgun Violence Donations: $92.00 Signatures: 10 Hour 3: Women's Issues Slogan: Support a Woman's Right to Choose! Charity: Save the Children Donations: $108.00 Signatures: 2 Hour 4: Men's Issues Slogan: Stop Erectile Dysfunction! Charity: Men's Health Network Donations: $54.56 + two Peruvian coins Signatures: 1 Hour 5: Conservative Media Slogan: Get Bill O'Reilly Off the Air! Charity: William J. Clinton Foundation Donations: $83.00 Signatures: 19 Pro-choice causes drew the most donations, but getting Bill O'Reilly off the air drew the most signatures. Our conclusion is that liberals really are willing to put their money where their mouth is, but sweet Jesus do they hate Bill O'Reilly.  But the prank wasn't quite over. | ||||||||||||||||||
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