   Nad's Hair Removal Gel. "Sue Ismael was desperate to find a product that would remove -- as painlessly as possible -- the thick dark hair covering the arms and legs of her daughter, six-year-old Natalie," explains the Nad's website. So she named the product not "Natalie's," but "Nad's." Now, what's worse: your mom telling everyone you're a six-year-old Sasquatch, or your mom naming you after the balls? Hopefully the profits from GoNad's are going to therapy for the kid. Anyway, Nads is this slimy green goop that you smear over hairy body parts. Then you cover the goopy hair with a cloth and rip it off, which is as "painless" as, oh, the bite of a dozen vipers. The goop is made from honey, molasses, and viper puke, which gives it its unique greenish hue. Surprisingly, it had a sweet, grassy smell, not at all unpleasant. I globbed an enormous spoonful into my mouth, and found that the hair removal paste had just the right balance of complex fruitiness and plummy sweetness. I mused that it might make an excellent dessert topping, except for the stray hairs that were trapped in the goo from the last time my wife deforested my back. Taste: 9 out of 10 (10 out of 10 without hairs) Aroma: 8 out of 10 Presentation: 2 out of 10    Naturade Aloe Vera 80 Shampoo. It's 80% aloe vera, and since my tongue was still scorched from eating Tom's of Maine liquid soap, flaps of skin hanging loose from my upper palate like party streamers, I thought some nice soothing aloe vera would do the trick. I was right: soft on the edges, and rich throughout the finish, the shampoo had a rose-scented creaminess that melted languidly down my throat. The delicately floral nose was not presumptuous, and I believe this shampoo would be a welcome addition to any condiment bar. Bravo, Naturade! Taste: 7 out of 10 Aroma: 8 out of 10 Presentation: 4 out of 10    Tom's Natural Deodorant (Unscented). Even though that bastard Tom fried my mouth with his liquid soap, so that I will never taste properly again, I decided to give his all-natural deodorant a try. We all know "Unscented" is never unscented, and the aroma of this stick gel was slight and sweet, with a hint of musk. I wasn't sure how to eat a deodorant stick, so I licked down the first inch, finding it to be richly unctuous, with undertones of spice and coriander. I pushed up another inch of stick and took an enormous bite, discovering it had the consistency of soft cake. I was able to choke it all down except for the bit that got stuck in my teeth. On the plus side, twelve hours later, my breath remains delightfully fresh. Taste: 3 out of 10 Aroma: 2 out of 10 Presentation: 3 out of 10 The gastrointestinal effects of this taste test were slightly more worrisome. The baby started crying at 4:00 am, and as I went into his room to soothe him, I accidentally emitted a quantity of burning intestinal gas that kept the poor infant awake for a full hour, tearfully rubbing his nose and eyes. That probably makes me a bad parent, but at least I didn't create a hair removal product for him called "Yambag." |
