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The official Frito-Lay statement on Olestra (they've given it the happier brand name of Olean) said that only 2% of the population experienced abdominal cramping or diarrhea, and I figured those were pretty good odds. (C'mon, that's only 20,000 people out of every million.) Nonetheless, they said to start off slow. So I did.  For breakfast, I ate a handful of Lay's "Max" Mesquite Barbecue potato chips. Now, you need to understand that these are not like Baked Lay's, which are lower in fat and taste like playing cards; they are fat-free and taste exactly like the real McCoy. This is like having your cake and eating it too, and pooping it out later. Immediately, I became extremely gassy. I felt like a stinky tugboat. I mean, the exhaust pipe was overheating, if you know what I'm saying ... and I think you do. Now, what kept going through my mind were the two horrible words "anal leakage." I was convinced that these farts somehow felt greasier than normal, and they were staining my underwear with melted Kit-Kats. The physical sensation, however, was not entirely unpleasant, so I let loose with my natural by-products. The gas subsided around 5:00 in the evening. That night, I sat on the commode for my nightly duties, and nothing came out. False alarm!  Before I went to bed, I took a picture of my underwear. As you can see, no staining of the Marzipan occurred. |
