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Would You Like Fries With That? |
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 In an effort to topple McDonald's, its chief rival, Burger King recently launched a new "stealth" fry, which is covered with a high-tech, top-secret, transparent coating which makes it able to keep the fat appetizing for even longer. Hey, I'm not picky. I'll eat whatever chemical-coated, lard-fried wads of salty potato they put in front of me. What disturbed me was the massive ad campaign, which used none other than Mr. Potato Head for a mascot.
First, I went after Playskool, the division of Hasbro that makes Mr. Potato Head. Subj: Mr. Potato Head and Burger King
Playskoolers:
First off, I need to point out that you misspelled the word "school" in your
name! I'm surprised no one ever pointed that out before!
Second, your consumer affairs page is completely blank! I'm surprised no one
ever pointed that out before, either!
Anyway, my real reason for writing is to complain about the ad campaign for
the new Burger King fry, which features your toy, Mr. Potato Head. I'm a
huge Burger King supporter (f*** Ronald McDonald -- that clown is a
hypocrite), but I don't understand why they went with Mr. Potato Head to
endorse their new fry, or why you guys agreed to this crazy scheme.
Mr. Potato Head is endorsing the slicing, frying, and consumption of his
fellow potatoes. It gives him, and all your Hasbro toys, a bad name. Why
not get an actor dressed up like Hitler to promote "Risk"? Why not have the
Monopoly man encourage people to eat mustacheoed millionaires?
Frankly, I'm finding it very difficult to enjoy the new Burger King fries, as
well as my Yahtzee game, which my dear aunt and I used to play every night!
Do something about this!
Awaiting a speedy reply,
Subj: Burger King and Mr. Potato Head
Jack, Leo, and Sherri:
I have a new jingle for your Burger King website:
Hold the pickles
Man, you guys don't make it easy to provide feedback, do you? Took me all
day to get your addresses! What's up with that?
Anyway, I'm writing because of the new Burger King fry, the so-called
"stealth fry" that you guys developed for $32 billion with the help of the
U.S. military. Now, I'm a loyal Burger King supporter, but I have a problem
with the ad campaign, which features MR. POTATO HEAD!
Are you guys nuts? Why would Mr. Potato Head endorse the eating of his
fellow potatoes? You wouldn't have a cow asking people to enjoy your
delicious flame-broiled Whoppers, would you? Essentially, Mr. Potato Head is
endorsing genocide of his species. Why not just go all out and promote
cannibalism? Why not make your burgers out of human flesh?
Frankly, I'm sickened by this turn of events, and I'm finding it very
difficult to enjoy your fries! Do something about this!
Awaiting a speedy reply,
While waiting for a response, I did research on these companies and unearthed some fascinating tidbits. Did you know that the original Mr. Potato Head was sold without the plastic potato -- children supplied their own? Did you know that Pillsbury's cake recipe, obscenely named the "Tunnel of Fudge," was largely responsible for the success of the Bundt pan? Did you know that Mr. Potato Head once shilled for the American Cancer Society? (Isn't it ironic that he's now endorsing a chemical that may eventually prove to be carcinogenic?) After a week of silence, I sent this letter to both companies. Subj: Fwd: Mr. Potato Head and Burger King
Playskoolies:
I'm extremely disappointed that you haven't responded to my original e-mail
(attached below). Let me tell you what's worse: when I went to Burger King
today for my daily meal there, I noticed that Mr. Potato Head is wearing a
CHEF'S HAT! The clear implication is that he's helping COOK his fellow
potatoes! Good Lord, who is the marketing genius behind this? Give me his
name so that I may demand his immediate termination!
Awaiting a PROMPT reply!
Finally, I received a response from both Pillsbury and Burger King. Subj: Re: Fwd: Burger King and Mr. Potato Head
John,
Thanks for input. We're sorry you have not been contacted by the Burger-King
Consumer Affairs group. We forwarded your original message on to them as we
will with this response.
If you would like to write the Consumer Affairs Department, their mailing
address is as follows:
BURGER KING CORPORATION
Thank you,
Thank you for sharing your views with us. As a consumer, your comments and
observations are important to us.
I regret that you have concerns about our recent advertisement featuring Mr.
Potato Head. I assure you that Burger King Corporation has no intentions of
deliberately advertising in ways that are objectionable to our customers.
I am forwarding a copy of your e-mail to our Marketing Department so that they,
too, will know of your disappointment with this advertisement. It is with
input like yours that we are able to improve our operations.
Thanks again for taking a moment to share your thoughts with us.
Now, I always root for the underdog, but out of fairness I then ordered some fries from McDonald's, and in my opinion there really is no comparison. There's just something about McDonald's fries that evokes memories of childhood, and the pure joy of getting to eat fast food at that age. Also, I don't have to think of the tortured screams of Mr. Potato Head being submerged in a basket of bubbling fat. 
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Because I received such a helpful and informative response, I felt I owed it to Burger King to try their new fries. They're certainly different, with a sweet glaze that makes them perhaps a bit crispier. But the strangest thing, and I can't find anyone who knows what I'm talking about, is that they have the faintest flavor of donuts. They taste like someone dipped them in a delicate honey glaze.