First, I went after Playskool, the division of Hasbro that makes Mr. Potato Head.

Subj: Mr. Potato Head and Burger King
Date: 98-01-05 13:31:48 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: playskool_support@hasbro.com
To: consumer_support@hasbro.com
CC: Baked Ham

Playskoolers:

First off, I need to point out that you misspelled the word "school" in your name! I'm surprised no one ever pointed that out before!

Second, your consumer affairs page is completely blank! I'm surprised no one ever pointed that out before, either!

Anyway, my real reason for writing is to complain about the ad campaign for the new Burger King fry, which features your toy, Mr. Potato Head. I'm a huge Burger King supporter (f*** Ronald McDonald -- that clown is a hypocrite), but I don't understand why they went with Mr. Potato Head to endorse their new fry, or why you guys agreed to this crazy scheme.

Mr. Potato Head is endorsing the slicing, frying, and consumption of his fellow potatoes. It gives him, and all your Hasbro toys, a bad name. Why not get an actor dressed up like Hitler to promote "Risk"? Why not have the Monopoly man encourage people to eat mustacheoed millionaires?

Frankly, I'm finding it very difficult to enjoy the new Burger King fries, as well as my Yahtzee game, which my dear aunt and I used to play every night! Do something about this!

Awaiting a speedy reply,
John Myers Hargrave

Next I went after Burger King. Their site is absolutely pathetic, and doesn't even have an e-mail address for feedback. So I had to track down employees of Pillsbury, Burger King's parent company.

Subj: Burger King and Mr. Potato Head
Date: 98-01-05 13:32:36 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: ltimmons@PILLSBURY.COM, slangen@PILLSBURY.COM
To: jwheeler@GRANDMET.COM
CC: Baked Ham

Jack, Leo, and Sherri:

I have a new jingle for your Burger King website:

Hold the pickles
hold the lettuce
providing an e-mail address WILL upset us!

Man, you guys don't make it easy to provide feedback, do you? Took me all day to get your addresses! What's up with that?

Anyway, I'm writing because of the new Burger King fry, the so-called "stealth fry" that you guys developed for $32 billion with the help of the U.S. military. Now, I'm a loyal Burger King supporter, but I have a problem with the ad campaign, which features MR. POTATO HEAD!

Are you guys nuts? Why would Mr. Potato Head endorse the eating of his fellow potatoes? You wouldn't have a cow asking people to enjoy your delicious flame-broiled Whoppers, would you? Essentially, Mr. Potato Head is endorsing genocide of his species. Why not just go all out and promote cannibalism? Why not make your burgers out of human flesh?

Frankly, I'm sickened by this turn of events, and I'm finding it very difficult to enjoy your fries! Do something about this!

Awaiting a speedy reply,
John Myers Hargrave

While waiting for a response, I did research on these companies and unearthed some fascinating tidbits. Did you know that the original Mr. Potato Head was sold without the plastic potato -- children supplied their own? Did you know that Pillsbury's cake recipe, obscenely named the "Tunnel of Fudge," was largely responsible for the success of the Bundt pan? Did you know that Mr. Potato Head once shilled for the American Cancer Society? (Isn't it ironic that he's now endorsing a chemical that may eventually prove to be carcinogenic?)

After a week of silence, I sent this letter to both companies.

Subj: Fwd: Mr. Potato Head and Burger King
Date: 98-01-13 17:13:00 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: playskool_support@hasbro.com
To: consumer_support@hasbro.com
CC: Baked Ham

Playskoolies:

I'm extremely disappointed that you haven't responded to my original e-mail (attached below). Let me tell you what's worse: when I went to Burger King today for my daily meal there, I noticed that Mr. Potato Head is wearing a CHEF'S HAT! The clear implication is that he's helping COOK his fellow potatoes! Good Lord, who is the marketing genius behind this? Give me his name so that I may demand his immediate termination!

Awaiting a PROMPT reply!
John Myers Hargrave

Finally, I received a response from both Pillsbury and Burger King.

Subj: Re: Fwd: Burger King and Mr. Potato Head
Date: 98-01-13 17:34:30 EST
From: JWHEELER@GRANDMET.COM
To: BakedHam@aol.com (BakedHam(a)aol.com)
CC: LTIMMONS@PILLSBURY.COM ( - (052)Timmons, Leo M.)

John,

Thanks for input. We're sorry you have not been contacted by the Burger-King Consumer Affairs group. We forwarded your original message on to them as we will with this response.

If you would like to write the Consumer Affairs Department, their mailing address is as follows:

BURGER KING CORPORATION
P.O. Box 020783
Miami, FL 33102-0783

Thank you,
Jack Wheeler
Internet Services

Subj: Reply from Burger King R Corporation
Date: 98-01-30 11:22:12 EST
From: MRAMIREZGONZALEZ@WHOPPER.COM

Thank you for sharing your views with us. As a consumer, your comments and observations are important to us.

I regret that you have concerns about our recent advertisement featuring Mr. Potato Head. I assure you that Burger King Corporation has no intentions of deliberately advertising in ways that are objectionable to our customers.

I am forwarding a copy of your e-mail to our Marketing Department so that they, too, will know of your disappointment with this advertisement. It is with input like yours that we are able to improve our operations.

Thanks again for taking a moment to share your thoughts with us.

Because I received such a helpful and informative response, I felt I owed it to Burger King to try their new fries. They're certainly different, with a sweet glaze that makes them perhaps a bit crispier. But the strangest thing, and I can't find anyone who knows what I'm talking about, is that they have the faintest flavor of donuts. They taste like someone dipped them in a delicate honey glaze.

Now, I always root for the underdog, but out of fairness I then ordered some fries from McDonald's, and in my opinion there really is no comparison. There's just something about McDonald's fries that evokes memories of childhood, and the pure joy of getting to eat fast food at that age.

Also, I don't have to think of the tortured screams of Mr. Potato Head being submerged in a basket of bubbling fat.