If only I could get on more junk e-mail lists, my life would be complete.

It's not that these direct e-mail marketers write rambling, twelve-page "ads." it's not their SEEMINGLY RANDOM use of UPPER-case WORDS and constint misspelings. It's their utter lack of knowledge about the friggin' Internet, their chosen medium!

I realize this one is long, but try to get through it. It proves the intelligence of the junk e-mail boys, once and for all.

Subj: Heal
Date: 96-02-07 10:21:26 EST
From: chirosft@ix.netcom.com (Dr. D. Funk)

As a business owner for the past 30 years, I have never experienced such a simple strategy to create additional fast cash flow, which will not detract from or conflict with the way I run my present business. I have personally seen incomes ranging from $10,0000 to $22,000 per month within less than 120 days. I know that sounds ludicrous, as it did to me at first, but thank goodness that at this stage of my life I was still open-minded enough to listen to the FREE audio cassette, "Dead Doctors Don't Lie" (Learn how 300,000 people are being killed in Hospitals each year!)

If you are not experiencing a LOW STRESS , non-confrontational income producing method that has people calling you with orders for your products and asking to join your business, it's time to call me and request a free copy of the amazing tape, Dead Doctors Don't Lie. E-mail your request to chirosft@ix.netcom.com or Fax (916)-482-4256 with your complete name and mailing address. (Please include phone number in the event we don't understand your message)

What have you got to lose ?

Subj: Re: Heal
Date: 96-02-07 11:27:36 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: chirosft@ix.netcom.com
CC: Baked Ham

Boy, this offer sounds great! I'd love to get that free audio tape about dead doctors! Send it on! My e-mail address is bakedham@aol.com.

I need to ask you about your name, Dr. Funk. I once knew a DJ in New York City who went by the name of Doctor Funk. I realize "Dr. Funk" and "Doctor Funk" are two different names, but perhaps you shorten it for the sake of space? Or perhaps it's a pseudonym for your other business ventures?

Man, you were something. Playing that dance music the whole night long at your club, General Hospital. It took me a while to get THAT joke - you were the Doctor, and the club was your Hospital! Great one, Doctor Funk!

One time I remember this girl came in wearing a live snake, as girls will do in Grenwich Village. You yelled into your microphone (as you were wont to do), "Do we have any funky boys in this house?" And all the guys yelled, "YEAH!" Then you screamed, "Do we have any booty-shakin' girls in the house?" And all the ladies screamed, "YEAH!" Then you hollered, "Do we have any snakes in the house?!" And - as if on cue - the snake jumped out of the woman's arms and bit this guy on the ass. It was some sort of poisonous viper, and you had to stop the music and rush over to help the snake bite victim. Everyone wanted you to help the guy, but we found out you weren't a licensed doctor at all. It was just an act. I heard the guy eventually died, so maybe that's what your dead doctors tape is all about.

Doctor Funk, how has your career been since that guy died? Did you find another job? I heard the General Hospital eventually went out of business - is that true? How did you get the name Doctor Funk?

Send on that free tape, Doctor Funk! I'm eager to make more money!

John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Dead Drs. Tape
Date: 96-02-09 15:25:42 EST
From: mallory@ix.netcom.com (Todd Setzer)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

Dr. Funk asked me to respond to your email. Dr. Funk is not the character you spoke off in your message, however the show sounded like alot of fun. Dr. Funk is a Chiropracter, he's been my Dr. for 15 yrs. Your message did not include an address to send the tape too, if you send me it I'll forward the tape to you ASAP. If you're really eager to make money, better call me. Thanks Todd Setzer 916 484-0810 tel 916 485-8181 fax

Subj: Re: Dead Drs. Tape
Date: 96-02-14 09:43:00 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: mallory@ix.netcom.com
CC: Baked Ham

You better believe it, Todd! Doctor Funk was the booty-shakin' king of New York City! Man, was he something.

Are you SURE this is not the same Doctor Funk? I only ask because I know celebrities sometimes deny their true identities. Perhaps he doesn't want his early DJ career to influence people into thinking he's a bad Chiropracter?

At any rate, I'd like to order three copies of the tape. I have a bad back caused in part by the dancing I did to the bottom-shaking music of Doctor Funk. Please send the tapes to my e-mail address, which I DID give you in my last letter: bakedham@aol.com. If the tapes are good, I'll order seventeen more.

Thanks Todd!
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Re: Dead Drs. Tape
Date: 96-02-14 12:53:03 EST
From: mallory@ix.netcom.com (Todd Setzer)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

No it is not the same DR. Funk. How do you send a tape to an e-mail address, when you figure it out let me know otherwise the tapes have to go through snail mail these are audio tapes.
Good luck
Todd

Subj: Re: Dead Drs. Tape
Date: 96-02-14 16:11:15 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: mallory@ix.netcom.com
CC: Baked Ham

Listen, I understand that Doctor Funk wants to keep his identity a secret. But I don't know if I can trust a Chiropracter who won't even tell the truth about what he did in his previous career! C'mon, Todd! What are the odds that there would be TWO Doctor Funks in the world?

Anyway, I'm still very interested in the tapes, but I had no idea they were CASSETTE tapes! Why is Doctor Funk trying to sell cassettes through e-mail?

Can you record the cassette tapes into sound files and send them to me through e-mail? Any sound format is fine, but I prefer JPG files.

Hurry! My back is killing me!
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Re: Dead Drs. Tape
Date: 96-02-14 20:42:00 EST
From: mallory@ix.netcom.com (Todd Setzer)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

HaHa Sorry, you want the FREE tape, you can only get it through snail mail. Too bad about the back.
Regards
Todd

Subj: Re: Dead Drs. Tape
Date: 96-02-15 20:45:42 EST
From: mallory@ix.netcom.com (Todd Setzer)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

I figured it out YOU'RE THE REAL DR. FUNK, don't you have anything better to do than ramble around the NET????? Too bad about the back, some people love the pain - no cure for you.
Here's to pain