I don't know why I can't leave Frito-Lay alone. I guess it's because they keep coming up with weirder and weirder shit for us to eat.

For instance, their barbecue chips are now supposedly flavoured with KC Masterpiece brand barbecue sauce. But last time I checked, KC Masterpiece was a liquid and the flavouring on their chips was an alien orange powder. I understand the value of cross-promotion, but c'mon! Give us some credit!

So what is the relationship? Did Frito-Lay scientists find a way to dehydrate KC Masterpiece sauce? Did they take the basic recipe and leave out the liquid ingredients? Do the two products, as I suspect, actually have nothing to do with each other?

I tried to get some clarification on this issue for the consumers of America.

Subj: Baked Lay's
Date: 98-01-21 13:01:11 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: consumer.affairs@fritolay.com
CC: Baked Ham

Dear Frito-Layers:

My wife and I have greatly enjoyed your Baked Lay's brand potato chips, ever since Vice President Dan Quayle introduced them during that Super Bowl commercial. I don't know why you guys didn't call them Potatoe Chips, but maybe you felt that whole thing had been overplayed by the media. I know I did. Quayle was a great man who was made out to be an imbecile, but I think he would have enjoyed you calling them Potatoe Chips.

Enough rambling. Recently my wife and I saw the new Bar-B-Cue flavoured Baked Lay's, and we were just about to buy a bag when we noticed they were flavoured with KC Masterpiece brand Bar-B-Cue sauce. Now, we love Bar-B-Cue chips, but we tried a bottle of that KC Masterpiece last summer at a July 4ourth cookout, and it sent flames shooting out of my wife's mouth. We tried milk, bread, and Tobasco, but nothing would cool her off! I thought she was going to have a heart attack, so I drove her to the emergency room. They hooked her up to an IV (IntraVenous feeding tube), watched over her for a little while, and told her to stay away from the KC Masterpiece in the future.

To make a long story short, I'm wondering about the relationship between KC Masterpiece and your Bar-B-Cque flavoured Baked Lay's. Is it poured on? Are the chips gently soaked in KC Masterpiece beforehand? I don't want my wife to have another Masterpiece episode (as we call it), but we really enjoy those chips.

Please let me know as quickly as possible, as we are having a party this weekend.

Baked Lay's forever!
John Hargrave

Subj: Re: Baked Lay's
Date: 98-02-02 14:30:36 EST
From: Consumer.Affairs@fritolay.com
Reply-to: Consumer.Affairs@fritolay.com
To: BakedHam@aol.com
CC: BakedHam@aol.com

Dear Mr. Hargrave:

Thank you for letting us know about the problem you experienced. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused.

At Frito-Lay we are committed to producing and distributing only the highest quality snack foods and are concerned when our consumers report that something has gone wrong. On those rare occasions when our products do not meet the consistent quality you have come to expect, we want to take any appropriate actions that may be necessary to prevent a problem from recurring.

We would like to work with you to better understand what may have happened. Please call our toll free number 1-800-352-4477 between 9:00am and 4:30pm cst Monday-Friday and ask for Operator 100 to receive personal assistance from a Frito-Lay Representative. If you still have the product, please have it with you when you call.

Thank you again for bringing this to our attention. We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely
Frito-Lay Consumer Affairs

Subj: Re: Baked Lay's
Date: 98-02-02 16:46:40 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: Consumer.Affairs@fritolay.com
CC: Baked Ham

To Mr. Frito and Mr. Lays:

I know it's much easier to send out a form letter than to read my question, but I must insist that you answer the original quiery: what is the relationship between KC Masterpiece and your Bar-B-Cuque flavoured Baked Lays?! I just want to know if the stuff on the chip is the same as the stuff in the bottle! You could have just written me a "yes" or a "no" rather than that whole form letter!

You know what? On second thought, just forget it! You'll notice my e-mail address, Baked Ham, was chosen in honor of your fine chips. It hurts me that Frito-Lays has no sense of customer loyalty! I hear Pringles is coming out with their Olestra chips in the next few weeks, and you can bet your bottom dollar I'm going to switch!

Damn you people and your snack foods! Damn you to hell!

I hate you!
John Hargrave

They never responded. My guess is that the only relationship between the products is the two marketing guys who signed the deal.