I really went out of my way to track this one down, to no avail. Maybe one of you will have more luck.

It's bad enough when companies send junk e-mail, but sending unsolicited sex-related mail takes the business to a new level of sleaziness.

Subj: The CHIPPENDALES want YOU!
Date: 96-09-24 21:45:51 EDT
From: charles@chippendales-dancer.com
To: funlover@aol-forward.com

Hi! My name is Charles. I'm a Cast Member of the WORLD-FAMOUS CHIPPENDALES DANCERS. Please consider this my personal invitation to join me (and the rest of the CHIPPENDALES) at our World Wide Web site. Then, we'll help you register to win a FABULOUS, ALL EXPENSES PAID trip to come and see all of us in person at a live CHIPPENDALES show. And, of course, you MUST stay and have dinner with us! How would you like that?

Come and visit our site, because we always have some VERY special "surprises" for you, including the WORLD-FAMOUS CHIPPENDALES TeleFun Club, where you and your friends are always ROYALLY entertained.

Come and see YOUR men at OUR site: http://www.chippendales-men.com

Subj: Re: The CHIPPENDALES want YOU!
Date: 96-09-25 16:53:59 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: charles@chippendales-dancer.com
CC: Baked Ham
Sent on: WAOL 3.0 sub 38

Hi, Charles!

How wonderful! I knew the Chippendales would finally call! How did you find me? Did you see my Web page? The ad I placed in the local paper?

Let me tell you a little bit about myself, Charles. I'm 6'0", 185 lbs. Spicy auburn hair, brown eyes, with a dark tan (no tan lines). I work out regularly, paying careful attention to my upper body. I have a hard, firm chest, with taut, rigid nipples.

But it's my penis that's the real draw, Charles. I have amazing muscular control over my member. For instance, I am able to balance a stack of 13 dinner plates atop its head, or use it to pound a nail into light wood. In Singapore, I performed an act whereby I fried a slice of bacon with my engorged manhood. In New York, I was often a guest at "sex parties," where a team of up to five people played tug-o-war with my swollen knob.

Although my muscle is only 2 1/2 inches when erect, Charles, it is a flight of fancy.

One thing I must warn you about, Charles. The tricks explained above have left me unable to urinate without great pain and difficulty. Therefore, I will require my own rest room, as the screams can disturb other patrons or performers.

Charles, these are not parlor games. These are the real McCoy. I can be a generous asset (no pun intended!) to the Chippendales line of erotic dancers, and I am willing and able to perform as soon as possible.

When may I call you for an interview?

Thank you!
John Myers Hargrave

After receiving the predictable bounce-back mail, indicating that these guys were using fake e-mail addresses, I did my favorite trick of going to Internic and finding out who owned the chippendales-dancer.com domain name. Then I directed the message to him.

Subj: Chippendales
Date: 96-09-26 09:06:02 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: jgilels@gilels.com
CC: Baked Ham
Sent on: WAOL 3.0 sub 38

Mr. Gilels:

Yesterday I received an invitation to join the Chippendales, but when I tried to respond to the message, it was sent back to me. A friend suggested I try looking up who owns the Web site, and I was led to your name. Can you please make sure Charles gets this?

Please let me know you received this message. Thanks!

John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Chippendales
Date: 96-10-11 13:22:52 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: jgilels@gilels.com
CC: Baked Ham
Sent on: WAOL 3.0 sub 38

Mr. Gilels:

I've been trying to get in touch with you regarding your offer to join the Chippendales. I am very anxious to show you my penis.

I hope you'll write me back soon, as I am running out of food.

John Myers Hargrave

He never wrote back. What a dick.