After Howard Stern talked about this site on his show, I received letters from several readers telling me about Real Doll, a shop that makes "the most realistic love dolls in the world."

You might be skeptical, as I was, but take a look at the pictures on this page. I have to admit that I got a little bit turned on. Especially by the feet.

Then I looked at the price: the 2-entry model is $4,249, and the deluxe 3-entry model is $4,499. That pretty much killed the excitement for me. I think what we can learn from this, though, is that the going price for a butthole is around $250.

It's the FAQ on this site that's a comedic goldmine. It covers the burning questinos we're all thinking, such as "What happens when the honeymoon is over and I want to return the doll?" "Do you have any used models I can buy for cheap?" and my favorite, "When will you offer a SHE-MALE version?" (Answer: as soon as they determine if such a doll should be equipped with male AND female sex organs. And what price does a penis go for nowadays?)

I noticed there were some questions they left off, though.

Subj: Real Doll
Date: 97-09-19 16:39:12 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: abyss@reactoronline.com
CC: Baked Ham

Wow! I just visited every page on your site and I'm more turned on than I've been in years! But when I read that they were actually ROBOTS, then I wanted one of these things ... BAD. Answer me these questions before I place my order:

1) Do the dolls have any knowledge of cooking or sports, or do they just walk around and clean the house and shit?

2) How large is their vocabulary? Can they hold intelligent conversations, or do you have to ask them yes and no questions? Also, do you have a foreign language model? (That French shit gets me hot.)

3) Can they eat?

Keep up the GREAT work! You guys are doing a tremendous service to MANkind!

Awaiting your reply,
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Re: Real Doll
Date: 97-09-19 17:01:15 EDT
From: nick@reactoronline.com (Nick Black)
Reply-to: nick@reactoronline.com
To: BakedHam@aol.com

John,

RealDoll is a DOLL -- not a robot. At no point do we claim that RealDoll is more than just a love doll.

Nick Black
Webmaster
Reactor / Abyss Creations

Guess I'll have to cancel that order. But on the bright side, my wife and I can buy a house.