I have one vice, and it is Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. I would be perfectly happy if someone would surgically affix a tube to my throat and pour gallons of that rich, heavy, butterfat-loaded stuff down my gullet. It is a miracle I haven't bloated to the size of a guest bedroom, because I am a Ben & Jerry's junkie.

The company, which is known for its strong commitment to social causes, recently appointed a gentleman named Perry Odak as CEO. It caused a stir when the company revealed that Perry was most recently a senior manager at U.S. Repeating Arms Co., a manufacturer of "outdoor and recreation sporting goods," which you should probably read as "guns."

Subj: New flavors
Date: 97-03-05 09:47:33 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: info@benjerry.com
CC: Baked Ham

Ben! Jerry!

You guys have taken a lot of heat because of your new CEO, Perry Odak. I say, so what if he sold guns? Anytime you can turn someone from selling guns to selling ice cream, you're doing pretty good! Don't let your critics get you down!

BUT ... I think you're handling this all wrong. Why not turn this negative into a positive? Here are some new flavor ideas that showcase Perry's experience with PRIDE!

1) GUNS 'N' ROSES. Gun-shaped chocolate pieces and strawberry "roses" in vanilla ice cream. Your "Cherry Garcia" sold well, and with a similar endorsement from Axl Rose or Slash, this one could too!

2) UZI DOOZIE. Super-premium vanilla ice cream with a spray of chocolate chips, butter brickle, and coconut "shrapnel." Make your taste buds bleed!

3) SHOT IN THE DARK. Dark chocolate ice cream streaked with fudge ripples. Disarmingly delicious!

4) SHOOTY FRUTTI. This one is probably a fruit-flavored sorbet, along the lines of "Doonesberry." Death by pleasure!

5) SECOND AMEND-MINT. Two kinds of chunky treats (M&Ms and Kit Kats) swirled into rich minty ice cream. It'll get 'em up in arms!

If you use any of these, do I get royalties?

NRA-OK!
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Fwd: New flavors
Date: 97-03-17 10:16:13 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: info@benjerry.com
CC: Baked Ham

Jerry and Ben (just thought I'd phrase it that way for a change):

I sent this e-mail nearly two weeks ago, and have yet to hear word one from you fellows. Maybe if I was with the NRA, you'd answer me?

I'd hate to have to switch to Friendly's brand,
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Fwd: New flavors -Reply
Date: 97-03-17 11:16:35 EST
From: INFO@benjerry.com (INFO MATION)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

John-

We have received your original e-mail but we are extremely backlogged at this time. Copies have been forwarded to our Research and Development team and to Perry Odak. You will receive an "official" response as soon as possible from someone in Consumer Affairs. (Actually I like the "Guns 'n' Roses" flavor suggestion!)

Kristal-Consumer Affairs

Subj: New flavors -Reply
Date: 97-05-05 14:35:00 EDT
From: INFO@benjerry.com (Info Mation)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

John, thanks for your message. As Norma wrote you, copies have been forwarded to the appropriate persons here at Ben & Jerry's for review. That was word one. This is word two.

I do need to explain that we accept ideas, satirical or otherwise, only if offered with no expectation of monetary gain. Because most of the ideas we receive are either duplicates, are in process of development, or have been tried, individual acknowledgment from our product development team is unlikely. Only if a suggestion is unique as to title and/or ingredients AND we decide to make it for sale do we notify its author of our intention to pursue the idea.

We send you our greetings. Jerry says thanks for putting his name first, but he doesn't mind being last, as he gets to have the apostrophe.

Virginia Broadus

Check out that personalized response! Look: I don't care if they hired a child-molesting Nazi war criminal who likes Celine Dion. I love that goddamn ice cream.