From time to time, I'll use these e-mails to resolve lifelong frustrations.

Subj: Don't fit!
Date: 97-01-08 15:48:02 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: questions@levi.com
CC: Baked Ham
Sent on: WAOL sub 38

Dear Levites:

I stand about 5'7", weigh about 160 pounds.

Now, I am not a circus freak. My name is not "Dwarf Boy," and a sideshow barker does not call out my name to random passersby. People do not pay a quarter for the privilege of viewing my hideously deformed body.

Though I am slightly short of stature, I am not a midget, nor am I a dwarf. People do not gawk at me in public because of my being diminutive. I did not serve as a Munchkin extra on "The Wizard of Oz," nor have I ever acted with Billy Barty. In fact, I would wager that I am a foot taller than Michael J. Fox.

So WHY IS IT THAT I CAN NEVER FIND JEANS IN MY SIZE?

Suffering through a lifetime of alterations,
John Myers Hargrave

P.S. I wear a 33Wx29L.

Subj: Fwd: Don't fit!
Date: 97-01-14 11:51:23 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: questions@levi.com
CC: Baked Ham
Sent on: WAOL sub 38

Jean-etic Engineers:

I sent this message last week, and still have not received a response from you. Not that I'm surprised! After a lifetime of ignoring my particular measurements, I should have expected that you would ignore my e-mail!

Nonetheless, I must insist that you give me a full explanation of why jeans are not made in my size.

Still hemming and hawing (get it?),
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: RE: Fwd: Don't fit!
Date: 97-01-21 21:33:11 EST
From: cyberrep@levi.com (cyberrep)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

Dear John:

Thank you for contacting us. We apologize for the delay in our response, and we sincerely appreciate your loyalty to our brand and we welcome the opportunity to assist you in locating our products.

We do produce men's jeans in some colors in the size 33" waist, 29" inseam. These include the regular fit, button fly 501(R) jeans and the relaxed fit 550(TM) jeans,

As store inventory levels change daily, we suggest that you call our toll-free number, 1-(800)-USA-LEVI, for the most timely and accurate information. During your telephone call, our representatives will be able to assist you in finding the LEVI'S(R) product you want.

If you cannot reach us by telephone, please send us an email message with your zip code and fit preference.

Thank you again for contacting us and for your loyalty to LEVI'S(R) brand products. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

CyberRep
Levi Strauss & Co.
WPB

Subj: RE: Don't fit!
Date: 97-01-21 20:46:06 EST
From: cyberrep@levi.com (cyberrep)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

Dear John:

Thank you for your request for information on the availability of LEVI'S(R) jeans in 33x29. We sincerely appreciate your loyalty to our brand and we welcome the opportunity to assist you in locating our products.

The quickest way to get this information is to contact us directly in the Consumer Affairs Department. Our toll-free number is 1-800-USA-LEVI.

If you are unable to call, we are happy to execute a search for you via e-mail. We would need your ZIP code and color preference of the item you want.

In the mean time, you can check the following sources for this product:

Drysdales
3220 S. Memorial Drive
Tulsa, OK 74145
1-(800)-861-7898

Thanks again for contacting us and for your continued loyalty to LEVI'S(R) brand products.

Sincerely,

CyberRep
Levi Strauss & Co.
RAH

So, there you have it. For those of us who can't find jeans in our size, there's a place in Oklahoma that sells them. Good luck, my friends.