For some reason, I've been getting a load of junk mail from psychics. But this one's different, because Kennneth (sic) Kindsteen, M.D., Ph.D., is my friend.

Subj: I'm your friend
Date: 97-03-02 12:34:50 EST
From: kenn@hhid.net (Kennneth Kindsteen, M.D., Ph.D.)
To: Internet.Mail.Delivery@brahma

Hello, I am Kenneth Kindsteen, Ph.D., a nationally known psychic and I sense an aura of stress emanating from you and I can help you rid yourself of it right now. I want you to make a free call to my Psychic facility and learn today what your future holds for love, family, and money. And before you become skeptical or a non believer about the possibilities for solutions in your life by calling a Psychic, why don't you just take advantage of THE ONE FREE CALL! Please don't be afraid. Call right now!

You can reach us 24 hours by calling my Psychic Facility at:
1-900-435-2505 Billed to your telephone at $3.99

You can use you valid credit card and call the toll free number at:
1-800-270-2637

For anyone who believes this might be a rip off, I can guarantee you that the first 5 minutes are absolutely FREE! The only thing you can possibly lose is your inhibitions to ever call a Psychic by participating in this free offer.

Actually, there's one other thing you could lose by calling this number: all sense of dignity and self-respect.

I decided to beat Kennneth Kindsteen, M.D., Ph.D. to the punch.

Subj: Re: I'm your friend
Date: 97-03-05 10:03:52 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: kenn@hhid.net
CC: Baked Ham

> Hello, I am Kenneth Kindsteen, Ph.D., a nationally known psychic and
> I sense an aura of stress emanating from you and I can help you rid
> yourself of it right now.

Hell, yeah! I was driving to work today, and this BASTARD cut me off! The light turned green, I cautiously stepped on the gas, and then this IDIOT cuts right in front of me -- AND HIS LIGHT IS RED! MAN, that got me steamed! I flashed my brights, honked my horn -- NOTHING WORKED! I mean, this asshole was OBLIVIOUS! So I pulled in front of him at the next light, opened my trunk, and got out my TIRE IRON! I didn't plan to really hurt him, just SCARE HIM A LITTLE BIT! Now, my five-year-old is like, "Daddy, please don't hurt the man!" That just made me MORE PISSED OFF! I mean, this whole scene was SCARING MY KID, all because this DICKHEAD cut me OFF! So I rapped real GENTLY on his hood, and now the GUY WAS SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE! He was all like, "Hey, I'm sorry man, I thought I had a green light!" He was crying about his INVALID MOTHER in the BACK SEAT, but I KNEW that was a crock of SHIT! I pulled him OUT OF THE CAR and CHOKED HIM with the TIRE IRON! Now my kid's screaming like a BANSHEE, and his invalid mother is MOANING, but this BASTARD had to be taught a LESSON! I made him APOLOGIZE, not only to ME but to the OTHER DRIVERS who were backed up BEHIND US! You should've seen him trying to apologize while his THROAT WAS BLOCKED FROM THE TIRE IRON! It was HILARIOUS! Finally I decided to have pity on the SCUMBAG and let him GET BACK IN HIS CAR and BE ON HIS WAY! So as the guy's driving off, he yells "PUSSY!" NOW, THAT REALLY GOT ME STEAMED! Imagine that language, in front of my kid! THIS BASTARD IS GOING TO DIE!

What I want to know from YOU, Kenneth Kindsteen, Ph.D., is WHERE THIS BASTARD LIVES. I need to TAKE CARE OF HIM WITH A VENGEANCE. Screw the FREE CALL -- I want my answer NOW!

John Myers Hargrave

Kennneth never responded. I should wash my aura out with soap.