I have this theory about the Internet. I think it's so unfunny that it is actually creating a comedy black hole, sucking up large amounts of the world's funny material. Have you ever noticed that comedy movies from ten or twenty years ago don't seem as funny now? Have you ever once laughed at a Shakespeare "comedy"? Have you ever noticed that sometimes ZUG is just not that good? It's all because of this terrible Internet comedy phenomenon.

The following junk e-mail is a perfect example.

Subj: Sweet Revenge - FREE SAMPLES... Get It Here!
Date: 97-11-23 04:00:21 EST
From: 57171611@ix.netcom.com
To: marie1sp@aol.com

WANT REVENGE? ... Get It Right Here! - FREE SAMPLES !!!

Hello {:-)

Do you dream of playing a Light Hearted, Nasty or Gross "PRANK" on a friend or foe that you want to "EVEN THE SCORE" with?

If the answer is "YES", please read on...

Below is a FREE sample listing of our "Light Hearted" pranks you might consider playing on someone you want to GET EVEN with!

LOST KEYS: Get hold of some old useless keys (car, house,etc.). Place victim's name, phone number and $50.00 reward... if found and returned. Drop the keys in one of the less desirable areas of town.

DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.

ANIMAL POO-POO - With plastic gloves on find some animal poo-poo and place it under the door handles of the victim's automobile. The end result is a sticky situation.

Hey, wasn't that FUN !!!

Even though the above pranks are "Laugh Out Loud" gut busters, their IS more.

If you want to continue to join in the fun, I currently have over 200 more revenge-pranks, with new ones continuously being added.

Just for the asking and an "Itsy-Bitsy" amount of money you can be a charter member in our... Sweet Revenge GET Even Club.

Here's all the goodies you'll receive - PLUS you could WIN $100.00 in American Currency.

MEMBERSHIP BENEFITS INCLUDE:

A large email text file of Light Hearted pranks for revenge tactics.

A large email text file of Mean pranks for revenge tactics.

A large email text file of Nasty pranks for revenge tactics.

A large email text file of Gross pranks for revenge tactics.

You get all the above (plus other surprises) for a measly $9.95 U.S. and your satisfaction is guaranteed. If unsatisfied for any reason, you get your money back, period!

This small amount of money keeps the lights on here at my office and provides enough money for me to pursue additional new and original revenge tactic's full time. I eat and breath this stuff, it's my obsession to get you all the tools you need to dream about... EVENING THE SCORE!

P.S. Got an Idea... That Could Make You Rich ?!?!!! If you have an idea of some type of information or product that may be valuable to others and would like us to mail it for you on a FEE BASIS or RISK FREE sharing in the proceeds, email me your name, phone number and the best time to reach you, in your time zone. Send email to: Tarsey@t-1net.com

I had to delete copious amounts of the original message, which was roughly the size of the Magna Carta.

This e-mail is so bad, it's actually enjoyable. I like to consult it as a handy reference for every possible English spelling and grammatical error. And why are they selling their secrets for $9.95 -- couldn't they be making a fortune blackmailing a U.S. Senator or something?

It was the P.S., though, that caught my eye. Do I have an idea that can make me rich? Hell, I've got forty!

Subj: Re: Sweet Revenge - FREE SAMPLES... Get It Here!
Date: 97-12-22 15:55:21 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: Tarsey@t-1net.com
CC: Baked Ham

I have a product I've been selling in my hometown of Boise, ID for the last three months. Remember the "pet rock" craze? This is kind of like that, but instead of rocks, I use dead tree limbs.

Laugh if you will, but these "pet limbs" have been selling like hotcakes. I've sold five hundred of them for $39.95! Usually I sell them outside the local K-Mart in my wheelchair (I am a double amputee), and my pitch goes like, "Buy some limbs from a guy with none!" or "Take it from me -- you gotta have limbs!"

Although we'd have to change the sales method slightly, my idea is to take this phenomenal success out on the Internet. I could split up to half of the proceeds with you guys.

The Boise Tribune recently called me "a veteran who's not letting tragedy get him down," and I hope you'll agree.

Please write back soon!
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Fwd: Re: Sweet Revenge - FREE SAMPLES... Get It Here!
Date: 98-01-13 17:13:02 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: Tarsey@t-1net.com
CC: Baked Ham

I haven't heard from you guys regarding my sales idea (attached below). If you want, I could send you some of my limbs through the mail. I'm just really hoping you'll respond soon, because the limbs sales haven't been so great lately, and they're about to foreclose on my house.

Thanks,
John Myers Hargrave

They never responded. Maybe they knew about my little smart-ass column here. Hey, maybe they are the masters of revenge after all!