After three years of writing this column, I finally understand why I get so much junk mail. You see, all it took was that first mailing list. Doesn't matter how they got my name for the list -- from the Web, e-mail, toilet seat -- once my name got put on that first list, it was sold by unscrupulous marketers to other unscrupulous marketers (the only kind), again and again. They told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on...

What I don't understand is how I ever got on a mailing list for goddamn HORSE LOVERS! All I can say is that someone, somewhere down the line, paid for a way bogus list.

Because in truth, I hate horses and wish them all dead.

Subj: Do you have a funny pet story?
Date: 98-02-14 19:25:13 EST
From: PetLetters@aol.com (Charles)
To: PetLetters@aol.com (Horse Lover)

Hello Horse Lover...
I have a story to tell... in fact I am writing a book titled; "Pets, Making Us Laugh". With all of the pets that I have had over the years, there have been many funny (some hysterical) happenings around the house. As I tell these stories to friends and family, I'm often told that I should write them down.

Well, with all of this encouragement I've been prompted to write my book, and I've decided to share the space with other animal lovers around the world.

If this letter reminds you of one of your own stories; and if you would like to share it with others; send me an email with your story. If we select it for inclusion in the book we'll be happy to give you full credit for telling us your story. As an added bonus, I will personally send you an autographed copy of the book, FREE of charge.

Be sure to include your name as you would like it to appear in the book, your E-mail address, and don't forget your pet's name.

We will also post some of these stories on a soon to be unveiled website; if you would like the address for our website, drop us an email... we'll be opening soon.

Thanks for your time... I've got to go rescue my printer cable from Maggie.

Sincerely,
Charles

P.S. I have had an overwhelming response to my pet book from a number of horse people; therefore I have decided to compile another book of stories... just for horses. Also if you have any ideas for a title.... I am open to suggestions.

Suggestions for a title? How about Horseplay, you idiot? Horsin' Around? Horsey Friggin' Ha-Ha? You need other people to think these up for you, you're in way over your head. Give it up and go tend your fucking sheep.

Wow! Why am I suddenly so angry about this? I guess he's taking the blow for the last five hundred junk e-mails I've had to sort through.

I apologize to the children in the audience. Don't say "fuck," kids. Unless it's the phrase "fucking sheep," which works on so many different levels.

Subj: Re: Do you have a funny pet story?
Date: 98-03-11 19:37:41 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: PetLetters
CC: Baked Ham

Hey Charles,

Do I have a funny pet story? Do I ever!

My family has owned a llama farm in upstate Vermont for the last fifty years or so. Now, when I was a kid, one of my uncles had some money to invest in the stock market, but he didn't know which stocks to pick. I can't remember how it started (I'll ask my mother if you're interested), but Uncle Chester somehow got one of our llamas, Clyde, to pick the stocks for him. He would write the names of several companies on feed pails, and the one that Clyde would eat from first was the one he would invest in.

Well, over the years that llama managed to pick the right company about 90% of the time. Uncle Chester called him the "Dalai Llama," because he seemed to know everything. He ended up making over half a million dollars in the stock market, all because of Clyde the Dalai Llama!

The whole phenomenon got some coverage in the local press -- I can send you clippings if you'd like. Sometimes Wall Street bankers would even travel out to our farm to get advice! But we all took it in stride -- it was just a whole lot of fun.

One day some drunken hunters stumbled onto our property and ended up accidentally shooting Clyde, thinking he was a bear. It was very sad. I remember cradling Clyde's furry head in my hands, watching the blood drain out of him, praying that he would be all right. After he died, Uncle Chester tried repeating the same thing with other llamas, but they didn't seem to have the magic touch. My uncle ended up losing most of his money, and he eventually killed himself.

So that part isn't very funny, but the rest of it is! I hope you can use it in your book!

Have fun!
John Myers Hargrave

P.S. Please let me know how much you're going to pay me for this story.

No response. Now, when I get on the Llama Lover mailing list, we're golden.