My friend Jay Stevens forwarded along this bizarre spam e-mail, pointing out that not only does it have a ridiculous subject line, but it proves once again that everyone wants to cash in on the Web.

From: Ralph Jones [mailto:rjones@hataboy.com]
Sent: Thursday, July 12, 2001 1:12 AM
Subject: Want to come out of the closet

Get your hats out of the closet!!!!!!!

Would you like to display all your best hats but don't think you have enough room? Then Hataboy hat display system is right for you. You can display 36 hats in one square yard and the good thing is...it's FREE.

Yes, it may be hard to believe, but it's TRUE! For a limited time, you can get 6 hataboy displays for FREE. You are only responsible for the postage and handling but the display units are yours ABSOLUTELY FREE!

So, what is the catch? After you receive your order you will be asked to fill out a consumer survey. This offer is good for a limited time, and can end without notice.

Learn More
http://www.hataboy.com/free.htm

I sent back this response to Mr. Hat.

Dear Ralph:

A "friend" forwarded along your e-mail to me *wink*, and I would like to request more information on your group for gay males with hat fetishes. I have an extensive collection of gay hat photos, several lengthy (10000+ words) erotica pieces, and of course a full array of "headgear."

So yes, I'd love to "come out of the closet," preferably wearing a skullcap or leather mask *laugh*! If you are also planning any get-togethers in the Raleigh, NC area, I would also love to attend *smile*.

Thank you,
Jim Ohnhargrave

That "Jim Ohnhargrave" bit cracks me up. The e-mail address I use for this kind of thing is johnhargrave@well-knownISP.com, and since they might get suspicious and search the Web for "John Hargrave" (which will return approximately 20,000 pages full of prank e-mail), this is my clever decoy.

When he didn't respond, I dutifully followed up.

Dear Ralph:

I have not heard back from you, and was just wondering if you received my original note (copied below). A few of my "friends" *chuckle* are organizing a gay hat fetish convention in Panama on the 19th, and wanted to know if you could contribute in any way -- either by sending some hats, or by coming yourself! *sly nod*

It's very hard *guffaw* to find gay men who love headgear as much as we do, so I don't want to lose touch *snicker*. Seriously, I can put you on our mailing list, so you'll receive all the latest news on our group's activities, LOTS of pictures, and more!

Let me know,
Jim Ohnhargrave

No response. He must be too busy organizing all his fucking hats.

As opposed to fucking all his organized hats, which is where I was trying to take him.