I like to think there's a special level of Hell reserved for the makers of those Coed Naked T-shirts. God, I hate those things. (I'm beseeching the Lord Almighty here, not using His name in vain.)

Here's why these shirts are so asinine: people wear them to be shocking. But there is nothing shocking about wearing a mass-produced shirt. Especially if you're not going to live up to your promise! If you want to wear a shirt proclaiming your love for Coed Naked Field Hockey, then I want to see you out there playing it, dammit! I want to see you up every morning at dawn, practicing your craft! I want to see complete dedication to the sport you love so much!

It's too bad I couldn't spew my fury directly on the Coed Naked Sportswear company, but when they finally get online, I'll be waiting.

Oh yes. I'll be waiting.

Subj: Coed Naked trademark
Date: 96-08-13 16:13:25 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: jsousa@mouseclicks.com
CC: Baked Ham

To Whom It May Concern:

I have another idea for your Coed Naked t-shirt line. Though I'm offering this idea to you free of charge, I must ask for a cut of the sales if you decide to use it.

My idea is Coed Naked Fucking. I mean, I'm surprised you guys haven't thought of this one yet. Because fucking is something you usually do both coed and naked, not things like badminton and nursing. I envision the T-shirt would read:

Coed Naked Fucking
Insert the penis into the vagina!

Please let me know if you're interested. If you're not, I'd appreciate any information you can give me on the Coed Naked trademark. I'll go ahead and market the Coed Naked Fucking shirts myself, but I don't want to get into difficult intellectual property issues.

Thanks for your time,
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Re: Coed Naked trademark
Date: 96-08-13 19:55:26 EDT
From: tgis@earthlink.net (tgis@earthlink.net)
Reply-to: tgis@earthlink.net
To: BakedHam@aol.com

We are a retail store for Coed Naked.
Please submit your ideas directly to Coed Sportswear of Newfields NH.

TGIS
131 D.W. Highway #506
Nashua, NH 03060
603-888-5501

http://www.mouseclicks.com/tgis
http://www.mouseclicks.com/coed
http://www.mouseclicks.com/power

Subj: Re: Coed Naked trademark
Date: 96-08-28 17:14:15 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: jsousa@mouseclicks.com
CC: Baked Ham
Sent on: WAOL sub 38

I couldn't find an e-mail address for Coed Sportswear, and I can't write a snail mail letter because I lost one of my hands in a boating accident.

Aren't you supposed to be "The 'Official' Coed Naked On-Line Store"? Why can't you help me with this trademark question?

I noticed you put "Official" in quotes. Does that mean you're really unofficial? Are you guys selling illegal Coed Naked merchandise yourselves? (If so, maybe we can work out a deal!)

I really need your help in getting this idea going, because I'm running out of money for food.

John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Re: Coed Naked trademark
Date: 96-08-28 20:40:38 EDT
From: tgis@earthlink.net (tgis@earthlink.net)
Reply-to: tgis@earthlink.net
To: BakedHam@aol.com

John

We put "Official" in quotes because we are an authorized dealer/reseller of Coed Naked products, sanctioned by Coed Sportswear Inc. as their only "Official" Internet supplier of their product.

We sell first quality licensed products only! You will have to look elsewhere if you want to sell knockoff/illegal products.