In my prank e-mail to Coed Naked Sportswear a few months ago, I said, "It's too bad I couldn't spew my fury directly on the Coed Naked Sportswear company, but when they finally get online, I'll be waiting."

For some reason, when they got online, they wrote me! Did they think I was kidding?

Subj: COED NAKED=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=ae_GET_CLUED_IN!?=
Date: 97-06-20 04:07:27 EDT
From: coed@coedsportswear.com (Coed Sportswear)
To: BakedHam@aol.com (John Myers Hargrave)

Mr. Hargrave,

Sorry to keep you waiting?

Coed Sportswear has become the leader in manufacturing, marketing, distributing, and licensing life-style apparel--clothing that allows individuals to express their interests and personalities.

We employ a talented department of illustrators that create new and dynamic designs for our popular licensed products. We simply produce what the consumer desires. Perhaps you should visit us at our Corporate Headquarters in Newfields, New Hampshire and see for yourself the type of respectable company we have established.

And get with the times because...

WE'RE NOT JUST NAKED ANYMORE!!!

:) Coed Sportswear, Inc.

So there you have it. They know these Coed Naked(tm) T-shirts are crap, but they're just producing what the consumer desires.

Let me tell you about another man who was just giving the consumers what they desired. He was a short man with funny hair who promised the consumers domination over the entire world.

That man's name, my friends, was Adolf Hitler.

Subj: Re: COED NAKED=?ISO-8859-1?Q?=ae_GET_CLUED_IN!?=
Date: 97-06-24 10:12:37 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: coed@coedsportswear.com
CC: Baked Ham

Coed Sportsters:

Thanks for letting me know you're online. I was in a novelty shoppe recently and saw your new line of Just Hafta(tm) shirts. I love the way you spell "have to" as "hafta"! That's precious!

I have some ideas for your Just Hafta(tm) line:

• Just Hafta(tm) Eat
• Just Hafta(tm) Sleep
• Just Hafta(tm) Pay Taxes
• Just Hafta(tm) Drink (alcoholics)
• Just Hafta(tm) Get My Fix (crack/heroin addicts)
• Just Hafta(tm) Screw Anything With Three Legs or Less (sexaholics)
• Just Hafta(tm) Make Sure That All My Checks End In the Number Four (obsessive-compulsive disorders)
• Just Hafta(tm) Abuse My Children (dysfunctional families)
• Just Hafta(tm) Tune Pianos (chronic piano tuners)
• Just Hafta(tm) Bale Hay (farmaholics)
• Just Hafta(tm) Find Meaning In My Pathetic Existence (poets)
• Just Hafta(tm) Make Fun of the Crippled (ZUG writers)
• Just Hafta(tm) Kill Off Endangered Species (ZUG writers)
• Just Hafta(tm) Die

John Myers Hargrave

Weeks later, I received this response.

Subj: Re: COED NAKED®_GET_CLUED_IN!
Date: 97-08-22 08:14:07 EDT
From: coed@coedsportswear.com (Coed Sportswear)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

Hey John, thanks for your idea's. They were good. Just Hafta Breathe, Eat, Sleep and Pay Taxes we already use in the background working on most of the Just Hafta tees. The others I have past on to the Marketing Director for review. I'll keep you posted on any development. Keep the idea's coming.

Note: Coed only pays royalties on brand new lines, not T-shirt idea's in existing lines...sorry. Start working on a new t-shirt line that can be incorporated into all the major sports...that's where the money is.

Hope to talk to you again soon,
Kelly Dobben-Annis
Marketing Communications Specialist

It's reassuring that the Marketing Communications Specialist spells "ideas" with an apostrophe.