Subj: Poetry Contest! US$48,000 in Prizes (com msg)
Date: 97-08-23 06:21:58 EDT
From: Joey@greatoffer.com

The National Library of Poetry is looking for poems from talented poets in order to compile the greatest collection of poetry ever published! Undiscovered talent is welcome. Our organization will award $48,000.00 in prizes in the coming months to amateur poets. Respond to this e-mail address with ONLY ONE poem 20 lines or fewer, any subject, any style, and your poem will automatically be entered into our contest.

POSSIBLE PUBLICATION! There is no entry fee and no purchase is required. You retain full rights to your poem.

Good Luck!

Subj: Re: Poetry Contest! US$48,000 in Prizes (com msg)
Date: 97-08-08 13:02:01 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: Joey@greatoffer.com
CC: Baked Ham

This is great! I've been working for the last four years on this poem, and I hope it wins the grand prize! ;-)

The name of the poem is "Sausage."

----------------------------------

Candy
falling softly through the asphalt
slimy,
tiny chunklets of resinous goo splatter on my face,
and I am smiling,
with the doves of three thousand guitars.

Who was it that shingled my roof

                                                    again?

Please don't interrupt me.
I am licking the sweat from the Buddha
as he stuffs a lollipop into the kind gravel,
and I am smiling,
with the doves of three thousand guitars.

As leaves blow in paint,
I shimmy against the rail of my subconscious,
smelling the path of bubbled glass,

                     GRATED
                                       CHEESE

and I make friends
as we fry the candy corn sunset
and smile with the
doves

of three thousand and one guitars.

Subj: RE: Poetry Contest! US$48,000 in Prizes (com msg)
Date: 97-08-14 03:15:03 EDT
From: poems@poetry.com (poems)
To: BakedHam@aol.com ('BakedHam@aol.com')

Dear Poet,
We have recently received your entry for our poetry contest. A complete regular mailing address is required by contest rules. Please resubmit your poem with an address included. Thanks.

Subj: Re: Poetry Contest! US$48,000 in Prizes (com msg)
Date: 97-08-14 10:12:19 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: poems@poetry.com
CC: Baked Ham

YES! YES! I WON! What did I win? What are you guys going to send me? Tell me!

This is great! I knew all my hard work would pay off! I was reading about the poet Robert Frosst the other day, and how he wrote poetry for over a decade before receiving any recognition. I feel like Robert Frosst!

Thanks!
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: RE: Poetry Contest! US$48,000 in Prizes (com msg)
Date: 97-08-14 18:52:33 EDT
From: poems@poetry.com (poems)
To: BakedHam@aol.com ('BakedHam@aol.com')

In order for your poem to qualify for submission to the contest, you must include your regular mailing address with it. If you do win the contest, you will be notified by regular mail.

Thank you

Subj: Re: Poetry Contest! US$48,000 in Prizes (com msg)
Date: 97-08-21 09:33:12 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: poems@poetry.com
CC: Baked Ham

What do you mean, "IF"?! I thought you said I won! I told my parents and even called the local paper! This is humiliating! You should be ashamed of yourself! Do you realize that now I have to go into my poetry group and tell them I didn't win the $48,000? Do you know how long I worked on that poem? That was the sweat of my loins, you filthy bastards!

Poets have feelings too, you know!
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: RE: Poetry Contest! US$48,000 in Prizes (com msg)
Date: 97-08-23 03:57:37 EDT
From: poems@poetry.com (poems)
To: BakedHam@aol.com ('BakedHam@aol.com')

Dear Poet,
I am very sorry to hear that you were not completely satisfied with the service that you received from our company. We believe in 100% customer satisfaction. Please feel free to contact our customer service line at (410) 356-2000, and I am sure that one of our helpful representatives will be able to assist you in resolving your complaints.

Good thing I'm not really a poet, or I would have killed myself over this. While drinking absinthe, of course.