Here's a new junk e-mail gimmick: pretend like someone "accidentally" entered you in their crappy contest, as an excuse to send you their crappy notification of their crappy site.

Subj: CONTEST RESULTS!!
Date: 97-02-02 21:49:31 EST
From: sfd@sfdungeon.com (Ken Synder)

Dear bakedham@aol.com:

You or a friend submitted your email for our Science Fiction Hood Drawing. The Hood. I am sorry to inform you that you lost. But! We have received so many requests, and have added so many new things to our magazine, that we have decided to have another Science Fiction Hood Drawing!!!.

That's right, you can enter and win again!

If after you visit our site, you decide to become a member of the largest Dungeon Fantasy Toy and Apparel Catalog on the Internet, you are immediatly eligible to WIN 9 different prizes!!! And, you also receive our FREE S.F.Dungeon Screen Saver!!! A $39.00 Value!!!

Sincerely
Ken Synder

Is something wrong with me? I thought science fiction had to do with a genre of storytelling, not hardcore bondage.

And who in their right mind would ever want a screen saver from these guys? HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE WORTH $39.00? I would like them to show me just ONE PERSON who paid that amount for their screen saver!

You know what? These B&D sites don't even turn me on. I had a good relationship with my mother! Forgive me!

Anyway, I pulled out my psychotic teenager character for this one.

Subj: Re: CONTEST RESULTS!!
Date: 97-02-03 13:01:20 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: sfd@sfdungeon.com
CC: Baked Ham

>> You or a friend submitted your email for our Science Fiction Hood Drawing. The Hood.

WHO THE HELL DID THIS! TELL ME THAT F*CKERS NAME I AM GOING TO POUND IN HIS F*CKING FACE .. WAS IT DAVE? .. HE KEEPS SIGNNIG ME UP FOR RTHESE THINGS THAT DIRTY PR*CK.. F*CK THAT! YOU DONT EVEN NEED TO TELL ME, I NO IT WAS HIM. THANX FOR LETTING ME NO .. I AM GOING TO GO OVER TO HIS HOUSE WITH A GUN.

I DONT EVEN LIKE SIENCE FICTION!!!!!!

Subj: Re: Re: CONTEST RESULTS!!
Date: 97-02-10 14:28:28 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: sfd@sfdungeon.com
CC: Baked Ham

>> You or a friend submitted your email for our Science Fiction Hood Drawing. The Hood.

YOU STILL HAVENT ANSERED ME YOU DIRTY F*CKHEAD ... WHO SIGNED ME UP!!!!!!! WAS IT DAVE?!! HE BETTER HOEP FOR HIS SAKE TAT YOU DONT SAY IT WASNT HIM, THE F*CKER.

TELL ME NOW WHO ENTEREDME IN THE GODD*MN CONTEST!! I HATE THAT F*CKING SIENCE FICTION!!

Ken Snyder never responded. Maybe he's too busy getting whipped by his mistress...? I don't know how these things work.