Hey, know what I noticed? "Shell Oil" is an anagram for "Soil Hell." COINCIDENCE?

(Sent via Shell's feedback form.)

Just a quick question. You know those squeegees you guys provide to clean your windshield, which most service stations soak in water or window cleaner?

Are you guys filling those things with straight mud, or is it mud cut with Chocolate Yoo-Hoo? Because my wife and I were trying to figure it out.

Thanks for the prompt reply!
John Myers Hargrave

When I didn't receive a response, I pestered them again.

I wrote you guys about this last week, and still haven't received a reply! What gives? It's a simple question!

It's about those squeegees you guys provide to clean your windshield, which most service stations soak in water or window cleaner. I wanted to know if Shell is filling those things with straight mud, or is it mud cut with Chocolate Yoo-Hoo? Now that I've had some time to think about it, I believe it might actually be OIL, like the oil you guys are always dumping on top of baby seals!

Don't make me call my local paper about this!
John Myers Hargrave

Subj: Tell Shell
Date: 98-01-14 12:39:27 EST
From: EM10179@shellus.com (Carter LD (Linda) at MSXSOPC)

Mr. Hargrave,

I am sorry for the delay in responding to your inquiry. Your question is really not a simple one because 99.5% of Shell's dealers are independent franchise holders who establish guidelines and procedures for their own stations. They determine what products/solutions to use in their individual stations. The only way to address your concern is for you to identify the particular station(s) you refer to, so we can conduct a formal investigation. Most likely, what is happening is the solution has not been cleaned out for a while. This can be addressed by the Shell Territory Sales Representative who is the liaison over that particular station to counsel the owner about establishing a procedure for maintining the equipment and solution.

If you would like to pursue this situation, please identify the station(s) you speak of and we can forward a formal complaint to the appropriate district office to address the problem. You can either send another E-Mail note or call us at 1-888-GO SHELL, Option 4.

Again, thank you for contacting us and giving us the opportunity to respond. We look forward to providing you with Shell products and services in the future.

A "formal investigation"? Does Shell need to hire private detectives for this? Will the issue go before the Supreme Court? Will it be televised on C-SPAN?

Sweet Lord, I just want some fresh window cleaner! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK OF AMERICA'S SERVICE STATIONS?