Women, I'm on your side when it comes to equal rights. But you've got to quit reading Cosmopolitan magazine. With its focus on surface issues and simplistic answers to complex life problems, each issue of Cosmo sets back the Women's Lib movement another month.

When I saw the headline described below, I couldn't believe my eyes. I couldn't harrass Cosmo through its Web site, since it doesn't have one. (Why would it? Women aren't interested in computers. They're only interested in fashion, fad diets, and America's most eligible bachelors.) Fortunately, Cosmo's parent company, Hearst Corporation, does.

Subj: Latest issue of COSMOPOLITAN
Date: 96-06-18 14:09:04 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: pphillips@hearst.com
CC: Baked Ham

Whew! It wasn't easy tracking down an e-mail address for Cosmopolitan! Why isn't Cosmo online yet?

Anyway, I wanted to congratulate you on this month's issue of Cosmo. The main headline reads, "The Secret That Can Enslave a Man and Make Him Yours Forever."

A big thank you for promoting the concept of "owning." Here at the American Slavery Organization, we are campaigning for the return of slavery, albeit in a modernized form. It is ridiculous that minorities continue to wallow in unemployment and poverty while the privileged have a genuine need for additional labor.

Would you be interested in becoming an official sponsor of the ASO? We'd be sure to promote Cosmopolitan (or The Hearst Corporation, if you prefer) at every opportunity.

I will be happy to send you more information upon request.

Let me know,
John Myers Hargrave
American Slavery Organization

Subj: Re: Latest issue of COSMOPOLITAN
Date: 96-07-03 14:04:51 EDT
From: Baked Ham
To: pphillips@hearst.com
CC: Baked Ham

Patrick Phillips:

Apparently my last message got lost, because you never responded. I'm resending it with this message.

We're currently designing our fall promotional flyers, and putting The Hearst Corporation and Cosmopolitan as tentative sponsors. I'll be happy to mail you an electronic copy if you'd like. They're in WordStar 1.1 format. Please respond quickly! These flyers need to go to the printer in a week.

Happy July 4th! Remember what kept this company free: cheap, easy access to slaves!

John Myers Hargrave
American Slavery Organization

Subj: Re[2]: Latest issue of COSMOPOLITAN
Date: 96-07-08 08:59:03 EDT
From: pphillips@hearst.com
To: BakedHam@aol.com

Neither Hearst nor Cosmopolitan are interested in sponsoring your organization.

Regards,
Patrick Phillips
Hearst Corporate Communications