I'm spending way too much time writing these things.

This one started out innocently enough with a message to Campbell's Soup. The facts stated herein are true.

Subj: Broccoli 'n' Cheddar soup
Date: 96-11-01 16:38:28 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: campbell@campbellsoups.com
CC: Baked Ham
Sent on: WAOL sub 38

I was eating a can of your Broccoli 'n' Cheddar soup the other day, and I had two questions.

1) How much salt is in a can of that stuff? I saw the sodium level, but can you translate that into a standard kitchen measurement of salt? Because I would guess about a cup.

2) About halfway through the bowl, I noticed something slimy. I figured it was a piece of broccoli, but then I got a little nervous. There wouldn't be anything else slimy in a bowl of that soup, right?

Thanks for your prompt response.
John Myers Hargrave

Some days later I received this message. Now, I'm not saying it was related, and I'm not saying it wasn't related. I'm just saying that it was a strange message from the company that built Campbell's Web site.

Subj: T-Shirt
Date: 96-11-01 14:35:47 EST
From: schamis@cortex.net (Martin Schamis)
To: mshower@aol.com

I would like a T-Shirt. In fact, I just finished printing the form, filling it out, and writing you a check (one of the pretty ones with a pink sunset.) Shortly after sealing the envelope, I marched right down to the post office to buy a stamp and mail the order form. There, on the door, was a sign.

"no shirt, no service."

Now I am really in in a pickle. I need to go into the post office to get a stamp and send the orderform so I can get a shirt. But, I can't go into the post office until I have a shirt. You can imagine how frustrating this is for me. I tried getting several passersbys to buy me some stamps, but they just looked at me like I was a freak, even after I mentioned Zug several times.

So please send me one (1) Large Unstained Zug Shirt. I will send your money as soon as I have a shirt and can enter the post office.

Please hurry!

Martin Schamis
schamis@cortex.net

Subj: RE: T-Shirt
Date: 96-11-05 09:56:30 EST
From: MShower
To: schamis@cortex.net
CC: MShower
Sent on: WAOL 3.0 & CA 3.0 sub 38

Martin:

I was amused by your crazy tale of shirtless woe. I'd like to share an interesting anecdote of my own.

I was eating a can of Campbell's Broccoli 'n' Cheese soup the other day. To say it was full of salt is an understatement, Martin. They should rename it "Cream of the Dead Sea." Moments after I consumed it, a pack of neighborhood cats flocked to my window, angrily meowing to lick my face.

In fact Martin, word has it that Andy Warhol died of high blood pressure brought on by an excess of sodium.

Anyway, as I finished my last few bites of the pure salt, I bit into something slimy. It brought a chill to my spine, but I didn't want to pull it out of my mouth for fear of what it might be. Unflavored gelatin? Acrylic paint? Clam parts?

I have a call in to the Campbell's soup company, but they haven't responded yet. Do you suppose this might be an unspoken indication of guilt, Martin?

I'll keep you posted on how this situation develops.

Thanks for writing!
John Myers Hargrave
ZUG

Subj: RE: T-Shirt
Date: 96-11-05 14:09:14 EST
From: schamis@cortex.net (Martin Schamis)
To: MShower@aol.com

John:

I appreciated your humorous episode concerning Campbell's Soup Company. Fortunately, I have had some prior dealings with them, and would be more than happy to speak on your part concerning the mysterious artifact in your soup.

Unfortunately, they too have a "no shirt, no service policy," and being a large corporation, my request to them for a stamp to mail my order form soon got lost in the corporate feeding chain.

So I sit here still, in the increasingly cold weather, shirtless and shivering. I fear I don't have much time left before I simply waste away from exposure. Please, it is becoming urgent that you send me one (1) large unstained Zug T-shirt at the following address:

Martin Schamis

I will send the order form and talk to Campbell's Soup Company as soon as I recieve the shirt.

Please Hurry,

Martin
Schamis@cortex.net

Martin won. I decided to send him a shirt.

I wasn't going to waste a perfectly good ZUG shirt, though. Instead, I took an old T-shirt that I had recently torn apart and used for cleaning rags. I wrote ZUG all over it with a felt-tip pen and mailed it to him.

He's a man of his word. I received the following response from Campbell's.

Subj: Re: Broccoli 'n' Cheddar soup
Date: 96-11-04 12:15:07 EST
From: HollyMCSC
To: Baked Ham
Sent on: WAOL sub 38

Thank you for your note, Mr. Hargrave. The sodium or salt content is listed under the Nutrition Facts on the label and that amount is per serving size. Your comments concerning the soup have been forwarded to our Quality Management Team. We hope you will continue to use and enjoy our products. Thank you for visiting our web site.