Hey, kids! America's favorite cult has a bright, bold new look! You might think that "Scientologists In Action" would mean more lawsuits than you could shake a 400-page deposition at, but the Wonder-bread wholesomeness of this page is as convincing as the family dynamics of the Cleavers.

But the real truth comes out on this page, which is referenced from every point on their site. "We're just a bunch of peace-loving individuals seeking personal transformation," this page says to me, "but don't FUCK with our intellectual property!"

Cut and dried, right? So examine the curious response I received from the mindbenders when I asked a simple trademark question.

Subj: Trademark question
Date: 96-03-27 14:54:57 EST
From: Baked Ham
To: copyrights@scientology.org
CC: Baked Ham

I recently wrote an article about water purification, then went to the Scientology trademark page and noticed that "purification" is a Scientology trademark. Am I in any violation?

The article had nothing to do with Scientology and will be running in an obscure water treatment industry journal.

Please advise,
John Myers Hargrave

P.S. I also mentioned a colleague whose name is Ned. You've trademarked his name. Problem?

Subj: Returned mail: User unknown
Date: 96-03-27 14:55:49 EST
From: MAILER-DAEMON@aol.com (Mail Delivery Subsystem)
To: BakedHam@aol.com

This is a MIME-encapsulated message

--OAA08603.827956532/mail04.mail.aol.com

The original message was received at Wed, 27 Mar 1996 14:54:56 -0500 from root@localhost

----- The following addresses had delivery problems ----- copyrights@scientology.org (unrecoverable error)

----- Transcript of session follows -----
... while talking to apollo.theta.com.:
>>> RCPT To:
<<< 550 ... User unknown
550 copyrights@scientology.org... User unknown

Guess I'll have to sit back and wait for the Scientology thugs to come harrass me for printing this e-mail.