So: what is the average penis size? The famous Kinsey Sex Report, considered by many to be the authority on such matters, says the average Snausage "is between 5 and 7 inches when erect." A more recent study by Lifestyles Condom Company, who I figure have seen more penises than the Kinsey people, puts the average at 5.877 inches. They obtained this figure by sending a team of nurses to Cancun during spring break, and having them measure the erections of hundreds of partying college students (sadly, I'm not making this up).
But what about width? In 2001, the University of Texas Pan-American put out a research paper entitled "Penis Size: Survey of female perceptions of sexual satisfaction." They surveyed 50 sexually active female undergraduates (making it the sexiest research paper ever) on whether length or width was more important to sexual satisfaction. My favorite line of the article is, "None reported they did not know," making me sad that I did not go to the University of Texas Pan-American. A surprising 90% (or 45 out of the 50 coed sluts interviewed) reported that width is more important.
So maybe the ultimate penis shape, I thought, is a tuna can: one inch long and five inches wide. Somehow I don't think so. You never hear women moaning, "Oh, give it to me wide. Give me several inches more in diameter."
It turns out that you measure width by going around your penis. I discovered that this is difficult, unless you have one of those cloth tape measures that dressmakers use -- but if you own one of those things, you're probably not the kind of guy worrying about his penis size. At any rate, I tried to use my Craftsman tape measure, because I thought some of its testosterone would rub off on me. Unfortunately, I lost my grip on it and the tape measure snapped shut, seizing a patch of sensitive skin in its iron jaws. After I finished screaming, I finally ended up using an ordinary ruler, and here are my measurements:
Length: 5.875 inches
Width: 4.125 inches
Do you see why I need these penis pills? I am .002 inches smaller than the national average, which is humiliating. Curse my parents and their recessive penis gene!
On the bright side, I found an easy way to gain an extra half-inch: simply push the ruler into your abdomen. Using this trick, I am now over six inches, or well above the average penis length.But let's be honest. I'm one foreskin shy of the national average. I was kind of bummed out about this, until I saw a picture of Michelangelo's "David" on one of the penis enlargement Web sites. After all, David is the idealized male figure. You don't get more perfect than Dave. I spent several minutes today examining myself in a mirror next to a picture of David. I estimated that, if David were normal human size, his flaccid penis would be approximately 2.5 inches long. I RULE! My flaccid penis is bigger than David's! YOU MAY BE IDEAL, BUT I'M PACKING MORE VEAL!
I will admit he has better abs.
