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| The penis pills arrived! The penis pills arrived! As soon as my penis pills arrived in the mail, I opened the bottle to find that the safety seal was broken. I thought this was kind of gross. I mean, if you're going to sell a non-regulated, quasi-legal medication, the least you can do is glue down the safety seal. On the other hand, it did give an element of added danger to the experiment. I dumped out my Magna-RX pills on the counter, inspecting them carefully for used hypodermic needles, or anthrax.  Then I started to get nervous. A lethal dose of penis pills would be one of the worst ways to die, because you know they would have to mention it in the obituary. It would be like a game of retarded Clue: "Hargrave the Humorist, in the Library, with the penis pills!" Fearfully, I checked the ingredients label to see just what I would be eating over the next 60 days.  "Horny goat weed" was near the top of the list. "Horny" and "weed" don't bother me, but "goat"? Could we find a more sexy animal? (I've always been partial to monkeys.) I did a little research into goat sexuality, and discovered several Web sites that I will hopefully one day be able to forget with the aid of costly hypnosis. After I scrubbed my eyes with Ajax, I eventually discovered this diagram of the average goat penis:  AHHHHH! What the hell is that long thing? Is it a tongue? Will my penis grow a tongue? I was pretty weirded out by this drawing, but gradually the idea grew on me (no pun intended). Sure, it looks disturbing, but there's no doubt that a goat penis would be infinitely more pleasureable for her. Check that thing out! In fact, I can't believe that more ladies aren't getting it on with goats. Apart from the bleating, the smell, and the chewing of tin cans, I'll bet goats would make excellent lovers. But the most disturbing thing was yet to come. There were several enclosures with the penis pills, including a sheet of instructions. Imagine my shock and horror when I read instruction #3:  First, if tugging your penis for five minutes a day really worked, then I think every man on the planet would be the size of a military flagpole. Teenagers, especially, would be able to jump rope with their own penises. Second: they never said I would have to tug my penis for five minutes a day. This is more time than I was planning on spending on my penis. Can't I hire someone to do this for me? I asked my wife if I could delegate this task, but she wasn't wild about that idea. And unfortunately my vacuum cleaner is broken. So this morning, I gathered up my courage. I popped my first non-FDA-approved penis pill, and spent five minutes in the shower doing my "exercise." And I have to say, it's the first exercise I've ever done that ended in orgasm. Maybe this won't be so bad after all. | ||||||||||||||||||||
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