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| Week 1 results First of all, the penis enlargement pills smell weird, like a combination of old man's vest and Rosie O'Donnell's workout bra. But more disturbing, my urine has started to take on this same smell, especially in the morning. It's a little bit nasty, but I continue to press on in the name of science. You never heard Marie Curie complaining about getting poisoned by massive exposure to radiation, at least until she was about to die. Then she bitched non-stop. Second, you have to do this ridiculous "exercise regimen," which basically involves holding your penis out for five minutes. It's not as fun as it sounds. Now, if I could hire a personal trainer -- preferably from the U.S. Women's Olympic Volleyball Team -- then the exercise would not be quite so boring. I have better things to do with those five minutes, such as sleeping, but I continue to follow the prescribed regimen. I have learned to save time by stretching my penis while shaving, or while on the poo-pot. Third, and possibly most disturbing, is that I have become increasingly sexed-up. I noted in my last update that the penis pills contain an ingredient called "horny goat weed," and I think I have fallen under its spell of horniness. Several nights ago, for instance, I had a dream in which my grandmother was performing oral sex on me. Considering that my grandmother has been dead for nearly eight years, I think you'll agree that this is pretty disgusting. I mean, why couldn't it have been my maternal grandmother? She's hot. But the real question is: do guys need anything to help them get horny? I mean, this is the sex that buys not just Real Dolls, but used Real Dolls. (Personally, I would never buy a used Real Doll. Those chicks are total sluts.) I'm not saying that lots of you ladies aren't sexpots, but, you know, guys are sexpigs. Some of you men are now thinking, "I should get my woman to take this!" First of all, how are you going to convince her to take this thing for a week? I mean, you could tell her it was a multivitamin, but that would be dishonest. And with that nasty-ass rank, she's not going to buy that it's a Flintstone's Chewable, even if you chisel it into the shape of Wilma and paint it blue. Also, do you really want to give your woman a penis pill? I mean, just on the off-chance that these do work, I wouldn't want my wife sporting a wiener. Although I'll probably have a dream about that tonight. So, here are my current measurements: Original length: 5.875 inches Original width: 4.125 inches Current length: 5.875 inches Current width: 4.875 inches Length increase: 0% Width increase: 18% So, what do you know? I haven't grown longer, but I've grown wider. Just like Marlon Brando. In fact, I'm going to start referring to him as "Li'l Brando." Li'l Brando, and his two sons, Sonny and Fredo. Look out ladies. I am going to be the widest man on the planet. I'll be like a chunk of deli salami. | |||||||||||||||||||
