My previous measurement showed that I had not added any length, but I had gained width, which made me wonder if I'd soon resemble a tree stump, which would give new meaning to the term "sporting wood." To get a second opinion, I asked my wife whether she had noticed any difference. "I think so," she said, wincing slightly. The wince was not terribly encouraging. A jaw hitting the floor, one or more eyes popping out of the head, or the curling of toes are generally better non-verbal cues when discussing penis size.

But one thing all these penis enhancement Web sites talk about is feeling more self-confident "in the locker room," and on that point they're right. I now make it a point to unspool the garden hose whenever I go to the gym. I'm that guy, the one who stands naked on the scale for up to fifteen minutes at a time. Sometimes I will sneak up behind someone seated on a bench, whip it out, and thwack! On the head, like a boomerang. They never know what hit them. It's like being bludgeoned by a ham.

For demonstrative purposes, I have cut a piece of kielbasa into roughly my own length and width:



Imagine getting whacked on the head with that hunka meat! WHOCK! If it gets long enough, I can do some martial arts with it, like a soft, heavy pair of nunchucks.

But have I really grown? Last night, it was time for my three-week measurement, and here are the hard facts:

Previous length: 5.875 inches
Previous width: 4.875 inches
Current length: 5.75 inches
Current width: 4.75 inches
Length decrease: 2%
Width decrease: 2%

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'M SHRINKING! THESE PENIS PILLS ARE MAKING ME LOSE MY LENGTH, MY GIRTH! AAACCCHHH DU LIEBER! Sure, it's only 2% now, but in another month I could be the size of a cocktail mushroom! It could look like a little turtle poking its head out the shell!

Any male whose brain was not hopped up on horny goat weed would stop the penis pills at once -- but I am determined to press on, in the name of science. Even if I end up shriveling to the size of a finger quiche, I will continue the 60-day treatment.

And frankly, I'm not worried. You know why? Because recently, I was in the produce aisle of my local supermarket, when I spied the piece of ginger root pictured at right. Check it out! That's not ginger, that's GING-HER!

I see my piece of well-hung ginger as an omen, a portent of things to, ah, come. Look: I've read about those people who see the Virgin Mary in a potato chip, but this is a different story altogether. That is a root shaped like a root. This is a cosmic blessing on my penis.

Even though my wife just rolled her eyes when she saw the ginger (still better than a wince), I will continue taking my penis pills. Soon I will grow to a massive size, and then she'll get the ginger. Oh yes. I will ging her long and hard.

Next: Week 7 results!