Believe me, though, nobody is more interested in my penis than I am. Except possibly my testicles. Those guys are attached at the vas deferens, I swear. But what worried me was that last time I measured, a few weeks ago, my penis was actually shrinking, and not just because it was under the scrutiny of millions of ZUG readers. So I was rather nervous to whip out my ruler ... worried that it would be the only thing I would be whipping out, as my shrunken penis would resemble an earthworm wearing a ski hat.
Now, I've seen a lot of penises over the last few months, and not just at the zoo. In researching this experiment, I've had to scan the Web for hours, looking at hundreds of photos of misshapen, deformed penises. Although this is no different from my regular Internet habits, I prefer women in the photographs, usually obscuring the penis somehow.
For some reason, all these penis enlargement sites have a "before" and "after" photo of a penis that looks like it has been around the block once or twice ... while tied to a muffler. I mean, these things look like snakes that have swallowed a rabbit, or a small child. Somehow these frightening specimens of manhood are supposed to encourage you to buy their products.
Take, for instance, the penis pictured on the classy homepage of ProSolutionsPills.com (not work-safe). This is the first penis I've ever seen with a knuckle. Does the guy have to crack his penis before sex? Note the difference in size between the "Before" and "After" shots -- partially because the camera is 25% closer. I think the cameraman is the only person getting closer to that horrifying member, which looks like it might be able to curl a small barbell.
The dozens of penises featured on the easily-remembered vig-rx-penis-enlargement-pills.com Web site come from our "Extremely Satisfied Cushatulkatans." This proves that these are actually alien penises, photographed by residents of the planet Cushatulka. My favorite part is the disclaimer at the bottom, explaining how Cushatulkatans should send in a picture:
And speaking of freaky alien penises, check out this guy. If you ask me, that's somebody who took one pill too many.
Anyway, here are the latest measurements:
Original length: 5.875 inches
Original width: 4.125 inches
Current length: 6.0 inches
Current width: 5.25 inches
Length increase: 2%
Width increase: 27%
Sweet Mother of God! I am not shrinking -- in fact, I'm growing ever wider. I'm like a turnip, or an overgrown radish. I always thought the phrase "pink torpedo" was just a euphemism, not a literal description of the shape.
So as not to gross you out with even more pictures of penises, I thought I'd make a scale replica of my own out of the kielbasa that I used in my last update -- only this time, in order to illustrate my added girth, I wrapped several slices of bacon around the sausage:
I think you'll agree, it's still more attractive than those other pictures above. And you can throw it on the grill, which is a bonus.