I went into this experiment a disbeliever. I thought I would see absolutely no difference whatsoever, but I have to say that the penis pills really do work, though the results are not nearly as dramatic as they claim. The penis pills put me in a constant state of semi-arousal, though, and let's face it: if you're the kind of guy who's taking penis pills, you probably don't need any help getting sexed up. I've been hornier than John Philip Sousa.
So without any further ado, the final measurements:
Original length: 5.875 inches
Original width: 4.125 inches
Current length: 6.0 inches
Current width: 5.25 inches
Length increase: 2%
Width increase: 27%
And displayed as a bar chart:
Now, I would have been happy with those results. My wife seemed to be happy. There was only one problem. The ad promised me that I would gain "2, 3, or 5 inches -- guaranteed!" I gained less than a quarter-inch in length and just over an inch in width -- far short of the 2-inch minimum I was promised.
So I called their sales line, which was the only phone number listed on their Web site. I spoke with an Indian woman, who was rather difficult to understand ... and, as it turns out, rather difficult to deal with.
HAYDEN MEDICAL: Thank you for calling Hayden Medical. How may I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I ordered some of your Magna-RX penis pills a few months ago, and the ad said that I would gain 2, 3, or 5 inches guaranteed. I didn't gain that many inches.
HM: OK, for customer service, you need to e-mail or fax a letter back to the company so you can get a refund.
JH: I only gained ... hang on, I made a spreadsheet. One second. [Pause] OK, here it is. I gained .125 inches in length and 1.125 inches in width.
HM: You'll need to go on the Web site, or send a fax or e-mail for any questions. This is just a line for taking orders by credit card.
JH: Maybe instead of saying 2, 3, or 5 inches, you guys should say 2, 3, or 5 centimeters. Maybe you just need to go metric.
HM:OK, you need to contact customer service directly. [Hang up]
Bitch hung up on me! Undeterred, I called back. Apparently she had Caller ID, because as soon as my line connected, she hung up again. I called a few more times, and she hung up each time without saying a word.
So I had to wait a few minutes, then call her from my cellphone. This tricked her into picking up.
HM: Thank you for calling Hayden Medical. May I help you?
JH: Sorry, I think we got disconnected. My phone cord is loose.
HM: I told you already, you have to send a fax or e-mail for a refund.
JH: Right. I just think you guys should take down some of these claims on your web site. Like, "You'll achieve rock hard erections." Not true. I am often flaccid, like linguini.
HM: You have to visit the Web site...
JH: "You'll experience explosive orgasms." This is false also. My partner and I have both had somewhat humdrum orgasms.
HM: OK, you need to visit the Web site so you can send an e-mail or a fax. We only take credit card orders on this number.
JH: But you must be able to answer some questions for me, right?
HM: I can't answer any questions. I don't have any information.
JH: You're selling a medical product and you can't answer questions about it?
HM: [Hang up]
This was great! I felt like Lesley Stahl on 60 Minutes! Only with a larger penis! I tried calling back a few more times, but now that she had both my numbers, she hung up immediately.
So I had to wait until the next morning at 5:30 am to call back (2:30 am West Coast time, where they're located). I got the same Indian woman, though she sounded a lot more sleepy.I decided to cut to the chase and ask to speak with Dr. Jorge Aguilar, MD, the "genius" behind Magna-RX.
HM: Hayden Medical, may I help you?
JH: Could I speak with Dr. Aguilar?
HM: He's not here right now. This is the answering service, just to take credit card orders. For any questions, you'll need to send in an e-mail or fax.
JH: But it's kind of an emergency. My penis is bleeding.
HM: [Brief chuckle, or maybe a gasp] I cannot answer any questions.
JH: Can you tell me when Dr. Aguilar will be back?
HM: He's not here. This is just the office where we take credit cards.
JH: Is it normal for me to be bleeding through my penis?
HM: We don't have any information.
JH: Now, I did all the stretching exercises you recommended, but maybe I didn't do them right. Maybe I was pulling too hard.
HM: I don't know.
JH: Is there a number where I can reach Dr. Aguilar? Does he have a beeper?
HM: You can call your own doctor, sir.
JH: But I was expecting Dr. Aguilar to help me with any medical problems with taking his product.
HM: We only take credit card orders on this line.
JH: Tell you what. Why don't you give me Dr. Aguilar's cellphone number.
HM: I can't do that.
JH: Is he out playing golf?
HM: I can get you the fax number, or you can send e-mail on the Web site.
JH: Just one more thing. I noticed one other side effect, which is that my penis has started to talk.
HM: [Ignoring me] Let me give you the fax number.
JH: It started out just kind of grunting, you know, like a caveman. Unh unh. But then it gradually got more refined.
HM: The number is 480-947...
JH: Now it reads Goethe to me.
HM: ...4466.
JH: Sometimes it tells me to kill the President, but mostly it just reads great literature.
HM: Fax that number for a refund.
JH: Here, let me put the phone down my pants, and you can hear.
HM: Goodbye. [Hang up]
Apparently, Magna-RX isn't making me more popular with the ladies. That's another thing they were wrong about.
I did visit the Web site, only to find out that you have to return the unused portion within 30 days to receive your refund. But you're supposed to take the pills for 60 days to see if it works, that seems a little strange, but maybe they figure that guys with small penises have time machines.
So thus ends my experiment. Looking in the mirror nowadays, I often quote the final scene of Boogie Nights. "I am a star," I say, looking at my extra tenth of an inch. "I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star."If you enjoyed The Penis Prank, you might also enjoy The Viagra Prank, in which Mr. Hargrave takes Viagra in church.