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The label actually read "Extra-Heavy Mayonnaise." Why not just say, "Cholesterol-Forming Fat Spread."

When we dropped this first pumpkin, the only thing for which we were utterly unprepared was the noise. The video clip captures some of it, but when that gourd hit the pavement eight stories below, it sounded like a bomb.

Extra-heavy, indeed. Now think of that going through your intestines.