The Lamest State in the Union
|
|
WE DID IT! We got every single state ... but one. "Prithee," you are saying, especially if you enjoy attending Renaissance fairs, "prithee, tell us which state will be left out! Tell us the state that has no civic pride, that does not care about participating in this historic event!" I will tell you. The Lamest State in the Union is... WEST VIRGINIA. But we really shouldn't be so hard on West Virginia, because I don't think they have Internet access there yet. Many West Virginians, however, are now upgrading their phone equipment to shiny new coffee cans and high-quality twine, so that's progress. Also, they just discovered the cotton gin. Where the hell is East Virginia? There is no East Virginia. At least with North and South Dakota, you feel like they split a chunk of land called Dakota into equal portions. Maybe the good people of West Virginia wanted to pass their own laws, so they could legally have sex with their ferrets. I don't know. Let's sell West Virginia. What has West Virginia ever given the world, besides hillbillies and venereal disease? I can only think of one thing: that annoying John Denver song. Almost heaven, West Virginia Watchin' NASCAR, pissin' in the river Life is old here, older than the trees Let's go get a six-pack, bucket of KFC Country roads take me home To the place with lots of hogs West Virginia, eatin' possum Layin' cold in the road All our friends are named Darryl, Most our ladies, never bathe in water Dark and dusty, we all have lung disease 'Coz coal minin' is the only payin' industry Country roads take me home To the place where it's not wrong For a son to wed his momma, Take me home country roads How much could we get for West Virginia? I'm guessing Saddam Hussein, or Mr. Al Queda, would love a foothold on American soil. I mean, the Dairy Queens alone are worth a couple million, easy. That would be enough to pay down the national debt, and then we'd know where the terrorists were: in West Virginia! We attack West Virginia, we kill two birds with one stone. Of course, we'd also kill 75,000 dogs and half the future guests on Jerry Springer, but you win some, you lose some. Those of you who cared enough about your state to enter The All-American Pumpkin Prank will be receiving an official e-mail confirmation soon. I'll send the pieces of pumpkin out later this week. Everywhere except West Virginia, of course. |
<< BACK TOP NEXT >> |
