Don't get me wrong: I'm worried sick about the music industry. File-sharing services like Kazaa and Grokster are causing them billions of dollars in lost revenue each year, and I think it's sad when music industry executives, only a few weeks away from being destitute and homeless, have to spend their last few dollars on costly lawsuits. But that's the kind of society we live in.

Since the music industry is doing everything it can to stay afloat, I thought I'd do the honorable thing and offer to pay for some MP3s. Like a starving man accepting a fresh pita pocket, the following phone calls to the major music companies demonstrate their undying gratitude for my act of generosity.


Capitol Records
Home of Coldplay, Radiohead, and Frank Sinatra

JH: I just illegally downloaded some Coldplay from the Internet, and my friend told me that you guys are going to sue everyone who downloads MP3s. Can I send you some money for them?

CAPITOL RECORDS: Um ... well, it's not going to be us that's taking care of that. You know, you should be fine. They're going after people -- chances are they're going after people doing a lot of that sort of thing.

JH: So I don't need a lawyer?

CR: You should be all right. I wouldn't do any more of that, but I mean, what's done is done.

JH: Can I write a check to someone? I do so enjoy the music of Mr. Coldplay.

CR: I know there's sites where you can pay a fee to download music, but I've got another call coming in, and I have to go. [Click]

Next: another call to the music industry!