|
A Longitudinal Bioneurological Evaluation of Chemically-Induced Pain and Libidinous Sensitivity in Rough Athletics: The Effects of Smearing Stimula Lube All Over My Body Before Playing Hockey"  Figure 1. Subject entering the scientific lavatory, in which all twelve packets were applied. Yes, to everywhere. 1. FIRST EFFECT: Superpowers On the way to the rink with Frank, my body felt incredibly aware. Instincts were heightened, smells were much stronger, reflexes faster, and everything went into tunnel vision. Stimula for Women gave me instant spidey-sense! It works both ways: you can sense every opportunity to have sex in a 100-meter radius, and quick-thinking escape is much easier if you don't want to have sex. If only I could test out my new powers on some unsuspecting bad guy, hiding in the bushes and hoping to surprise us. I prayed to God to send us a mugger/rapist so I could take him out. Alas, we live in the burbs. Good thing, 'cause right then my legs went numb. 2. SECOND EFFECT: Relaxation ("Is this supposed to happen?") Note: I would not recommend using all twelve packets at once. For the rest of the night, various body parts went numb at random (nothing serious). I suited up and watched all of the sweaty guys around me stripping and suiting up. Strangely, I was feeling very relaxed. I sat down on the bench and the feeling intensified. I felt heavier and heavier. Soon, I felt like a limp, relaxed rag doll made out of lead. A very high rag doll made out of lead. I started giggling and cracking jokes to my stick. Fortunately, I snapped out of it once I got on the ice and started playing.  Figure 2. Subject enters state of temporary delirium, while demonstrating that the possibilities of hockey-related innuendo are endless. [Example: "Poke checking, you like that? Body checking? Forechecking? I'd totally hit that. I personally stick check a lot, because I'm a grinder. Dude, you should go for a hand pass more often, you don't want to miss out on any chance of scoring."] 3. THIRD EFFECT: Pain Sensations My game was totally on. I ruled! I was more focused than ever before. Still, we were nearing the end of the second period and I hadn't had my bone-cruncher of the day. Not even a little bone-nudge. Then I saw my chance. There was a tussle on the Plexiglass. I saw the puck glide between me and the tallest member of the other team. He saw me. I saw him. He sprinted. I sprinted. His teammates closed in behind me. I looked for help, but all green jerseys seemed to have taken a vacation from teamwork. It was time to make human sacrifice! At the last moment, he hesitated and the result was a spectacular body slam that threw him on his duff and me into a spin like hockey's wimpy and unproductive sister, figure skating.  Figure 3. On his butt. Ha ha. As the crowd gasped, I stole the puck away, and one of our guys picked it up and scored. I started to cheer, but suddenly delayed-reaction pain hit me like a steamroller. But not just any steamroller ... The Steamroller of Love! My opponent saw me bending over and asked, "Are you okay?" What I thought: "So much pain ... so disproportionate to the impact ... hurts so bad ... but feels ... so ... good ... do it ... again ..." What I said: "I'm fine," I wheezed. "Except I think my uterus disowned me." 4. FOURTH EFFECT: This One's Pretty Obvious Halfway into the third (and final) period, I got rammed into the Plexiglass and we had a long, hard fight over the puck. Then I got shoved and fell down hard.  Figure 4. Subject displaying signs of tactile sensitivity during skirmish Needless to say, I lost some focus after that. Eyewitness observations, third period Uninformed Friend (Miguel): "Andrea looks kind of anxious out there. Don't you think?" [Andrea is bunnyhopping around in circles.] Frank: "Just watch the game, Miguel."  Figure 5. Subject sweating heavily CONCLUSIONS 1) Stimula makes you more aware of your surroundings and actually helps you focus. That's almost like cheating. Now I have the NCAA to worry about. 2) Stimula makes you relax. Lots of Stimula puts you way out of it. So if you like catatonia... 3) Though it may put your nervous system out of sync with real time, Stimula makes you really, really sensitive to pain. 4) All of the effects go out the window if you're rubbed the wrong way, because Stimula for Women makes you horny, especially when pain is involved.  Figure 6. With a game like hockey, the Subject is in serious trouble | |||||||||||||
ABSTRACT |
|
|
