Prank Calls to T-Mobile
by ZUG reader Bayan Rabbani

All this discussion about cell phone companies selling our personal records inspired me to call up my own carrier, T-Mobile.

T-Mobile Customer Service: Thank you for calling T-Mobile, this is Janet speaking. How may I direct your call?

Me: Hello Janet. I'm currently a T-Mobile customer and have been for some time now.

T-Mobile: Let me look up your account information. Give me just a sec.

Me: [I give her my account information]

T-Mobile: Yes Mr. Rabbani, I see that you have been a T-Mobile customer for several years now. How can I enhance your experience with T-Mobile?

Me: Stop doing what you do.

T-Mobile: Pardon?

Me: Stop selling my phone records. I know it's you.

T-Mobile: Excuse me?

Me: I read that article in the Washington Post. It says that cellphone providers can sell my phone record for a bribe.

T-Mobile: I can assure you Mr. Rabbani that your records with T-Mobile are private and not accessible by anyone besides you.

Me: Oh yea? How can you be so sure? How do you even know I'm Mr. Rabbani?

T-Mobile: When you call customer service, you are asked to put in the last 4 digits of your social security number. Also, your account is automatically brought up onto the screen so that we may better assist as quickly as possible.

Me: I'm worried for my security Janet.

T-Mobile: Mr. Rabbani, your account is secure I assure you. There are specific codes and guidelines that we as T-Mobile employees follow in order to keep your account secure. If you'd like, we can implement an extra security ques*interrupted*

Me: Those are just details! I want results! I want answers! Oh god, I'm really not feeling well Janet. It's all going black now.

T-Mobile: May I suggest perhaps taking a few minutes to breathe, having a glass of water and calling back at a time when your thoughts are more collected?

Me: Yes you may suggest that. Now I have a question for you.

T-Mobile: Yes?

Me: Will you wait for me?

T-Mobile: On hold?

Me: No Janet, I'm being shipped out to Iraq next week. Will you wait for me? Will you swear to me right now to only answer my customer service related questions and no one else's?

T-Mobile: Is there anything else I can assist you with Mr. Rabbani?

Bayan: I love it when you call me that. Do it again.

T-Mobile: Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Me: Yes Janet, but not on the first date. I consider myself a gentleman.

*silence*

Me: Janet?

*silence*

Me: Janet? You there?

*silence*

Me: Janet, it was a joke! Of course I'll let you do that for me on the first date!

Phil: It's a wonderful day at T-Mobile! Thank you for calling, this is Phil, how may I be of assistance?

Me: Hi, yes. I called T-Mobile a few days ago about my cell phone records being sold.

Phil: Being sold?

Me: Are you aware that cell phone companies can now legally sell their customer's phone records to people?

Phil: Give me just a moment to pull up your account. I am unaware of this Mr. Rabbani.

Me: Well, it's a serious issue. I want to be reassured that I won't be screwed over.

Phil: Would you like to speak to a supervisor? If you give me just a moment, I can have one on the phone with you to discuss this issue further.

Me: No Phil, that is quite alright. Your voice is pleasant and soothes my insides. Lemme ask you something, and be honest with me. Do you know Janet?

Phil: Janet?

Me: Yes. Do you know her?

Phil: No, I'm sorry I do not.

Me: Well Janet is who I spoke to last time. I can say that my experience was not all that satisfactory.

Phil: Oh well Mr. Rabbani, I do apologize for that. I'm certain we can keep you happy as a T-Mobile customer.

Me: You married Phil?

Phil: What?

Me: Nothing.

*Silence*

Me: Phil, I need to be completely honest with you. I care about you, and it just doesn't sit right with me or me to lie to you.

Phil: OK...

Me: I think my cousin might be gay.

Phil: Mr. Rabbani, I don't see how that is relevant.

Me: Oh, it's relevant. Trust me.

Phil: OK...

Me: You're not Dr. Phil, are you?

Phil: No.

Me: OK, I believe you. Stop distracting me. Back to the issue at hand. I'm worried for my security, I need your help. The future is yours!

Phil: Mr. Rabbani, you let me know exactly what I can do for you, and I will do my very best to oblige. If I cannot assist you to your satisfaction, I will find someone who can.

Me: You're a good man Phil. I don't care what they say about you. You're a good man.

Phil: Thank you. So you are worried for your account's security?

Me: Security? No, why would you suggest that?

Phil: You just mentioned that you are under the impression that cell phone records can be made public.

Me: So you admit it!

*Silence*

Phil: Admit what?

Me: That it's possible.

Phil: No Mr. Rabbani, my point is that it isn't possible and it won't happen.

Me: Everyone has their price.

Phil: I assure you, that that is not how we operate at T-Mobile. Now, I can't speak for other companies, but again, I am confident that your records are secure.

Me: Confident?

Phil: Yes Mr. Rabbani, I am certain that your account is secure. We have several security measures in set in place when you call that *interrupted*

Me: And what if someone knows the answers to my questions?

Phil: Well, if someone knows your social security number, has your cell phone, and can answer your security questions -- you have bigger issues than your cell phone records.

Me: Like what issues?

Phil: Well that is identity theft, and your bank accounts could potentially be hacked. Is there a specific issue I can help you with though?

Me: Yes, yes there is. Ask nicely.

Phil: Um...

Me: C'mon big boy.

Phil: Excuse me?

Me: What?

Phil: What did you call me?

Me: Oh shit, I gotta go, my dog is on fire.

Phil: What?

*click*