There we were, a normal American family going to church: Mom, Dad, and our two-year-old. Except unbeknownst to those around us, Dad was hopped up on Viagra.
There was only one way of testing the crazy claim that "VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited." I had to take Viagra in the least sexy place I could think of: church.
To be fair, I didn't take the Viagra in church. I took the Viagra before church, since the official web site advises, "Take VIAGRA about one hour before you plan to have sex." This is great for those of us who plan our sex on a schedule. I have Microsoft Outlook configured to pop up a reminder when I've got a sex appointment in 15 minutes. Sometimes my wife has to plan two, three months ahead to get on my sex calendar.
So the three of us made our way into the sanctuary, and sat in the back row. I had no idea what was going to happen, and since the Viagra literature also warns of "permanent damage to the penis," among other side effects, I wanted to have an escape route planned. If I felt permanent penis damage coming on, at least I'd be able to pull someone aside for some quick prayer, and maybe the laying on of hands.
I had to use the digital camera on my PalmPilot, lest I draw attention to myself.
After the organ prelude (heh), the service started. I sat quietly, listening to the choir, closely watching my lap for any popup ads. Let's just say that I was "Spocking it," i.e., exercising mind control to keep it down, a technique I perfected during ninth grade gym class. Still, when it came time for the children's sermon, I had a partially inflated balloon animal on my hands. Smirking, my wife asked me if I wanted to take the toddler down to the front of the sanctuary with the other kids. "Honey, that kind of thing is frowned upon here," I whispered. "This is a Protestant church."
Following the children's sermon, my wife and son went to play in the kids' room, and I was left alone with my increasingly turgid thoughts. I flipped through my pew Bible to follow along with the Old Testament reading, and what page should I open to but the exceedingly horny SONG OF SONGS:
Not wanting to read, but unable to look away, I scanned down to the next steamy passage:
In my pants stirred our 28th President, Woodrow Wilson.
I tried to listen to the sermon, but I could not focus. My head felt very hot, as if blood were rushing to my face. So did my marriage tackle, which was slowly engorging over the thought of those hot, wet Bible verses. And it didn't help that the young woman a few rows in front of me was wearing tight blue jeans.
Curse these modern churches and their liberal dress codes!
Fortunately, I had brought along my overcoat, which I strategically placed across my lap as I tried to finish out the rest of the service. Man, I never realized how much standing you do in church. Sit, stand. Sit, stand. It's like a friggin' aerobics routine. Fortunately, the church bulletin had a footnote: "Those who are able, please stand."
Needless to say, I didn't.
In summary, I think the Viagra people should update their claim that "VIAGRA helps a man with erectile dysfunction get an erection only when he is sexually excited." They should add, "...but anything will get him sexually excited, including the Holy Word of God."
So there you have it. If it's true that "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven," then I must be the best Christian in the world. After church, I met up with my wife, who looked at my puffy, reddened face and said, "You're swollen."
"You don't know the half of it," I said.
Later, however, she would not only know the half of it, but four and a half of it.
