I love the way they act like your mother's maiden name is the 1024-bit encryption question, even though every other freaking company also has this same information. Let's face it: they don't ask these questions "for your security," they ask "for your illusion of security."

For the third prank phone call, my idea was that I would just mumble my mother's maiden name, and claim I was having cellphone problems. But the Visa customer service rep didn't even care. I broke into my own account, which I'm pretty sure is legal. (For me, anyway. I don't know about Visa.)

Check out the transcript below [click here for the audio version]. I should be working for 60 Minutes.

VISA: My name is James, can I have your name please?

JOHN HARGRAVE: My name is John Hargrave, and I need to make an inquiry about my balance.

VISA: All right, sir. In order to maintain security, may I please have your mother's maiden name?

JH: Yeah. That's [I mumble something unintelligible].

VISA: [Pause] OK, and how can I help you sir?

JH: [Temporarily thrown off] Um ... um ... can you tell me, uh, my current balance?

VISA: OK. I show the current balance as of right now is $7618.62.

JH: Holy moly. How did it get so high? Was there a large purchase made? Did someone steal this? I'm very concerned about the security of my card.

VISA: OK, the last transaction ... the largest transaction I show on here was on September 1st, and it got cleared on the 4th. It was for [he names the company]. And that transaction I show was for $6,858.

JH: Oh my goodness.

VISA: And 16 cents.

JH: Oh my goodness. What is that?

VISA: Let me take a look here. From what I have on here, looks like it was a florist supplies or nursery.

JH: I'm just a little concerned about the security of the account. You know, is it possible someone called up and got through with false information somehow?

VISA: OK ... the only way they could get through is if they have your personal information. If you wish, sir, I can try to get hold of our security and see if they can investigate further for you.

JH: I hear all these things about identity theft. I'm just wondering if, you know, maybe they called and gave you some fake, I don't know, mother's maiden name?

VISA: I know usually when it's a large transaction, the merchants have to verify the correct mother's maiden name, address, all your personal information. [NOTE: not true.]

JH: Could somebody have faked my mother's maiden name of [something unintelligible again]?

VISA: If someone has all that information, yes sir. But to charge on your credit card, they would have to have the card physically, or they would have to know all the numbers on your credit card, including the security code on the back. Without that security code, they can't charge anywhere. [NOTE: also not true.]

JH: So they couldn't have just called up and made up a fake mother's maiden name, like Kwaziorskor?

VISA: They could have tried to, but if it's not on file, it won't verify, and then it would be blocked automatically.

JH: You would have caught them.

VISA: Yes, it would have caught them. They would have placed a hold on the account.

JH: You would have caught them if they would have said anything other than my real mother's maiden name of [totally unintelligible].

VISA: Yes. That would have triggered a security issue and as soon as that would have happened, security would have been on top of things, and placed a hold on the account.

JH: Because I would hate to think that anyone could call with a name other than our God-given family surname of P.J. O'Pootentooters.

VISA: OK. If they don't know your mother's maiden name, then they can't access that. They can't have access to your account, sir.

JH: It's just the P.J. O'Pootentooters are a proud lot, and we've worked hard to afford the kind of credit that would allow us to own your fine card, with all of its robust security features.

VISA: If you're still worried about that, give us a call back and we can have security investigate for you. They can try to get a copy of that sales slip.

JH: OK. Can you confirm the mother's maiden name you have on file for me once more, just to set my mind at ease?

VISA: Let's see. [He tells me.]

JH: HA HA! THANKS, SUCKER!

I've got to tell you: it feels pretty good to hang up on THEM for a change.

If you enjoyed The Visa Prank, you should also read Michael Jackson's Credit Card, perhaps ZUG's greatest prank of all time.