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Part 4: Abortion
I made my way toward the university bars, and settled on an authentic Irish pub called "O'Malleys." Everything was as Irish as red-hair and freckles, from the authentic Irish Coronas and Dos Equis, to the authentic Irish giant-screen televisions broadcasting authentic Irish baseball games.
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If you squint your eyes just right, you might catch a glimpse of Pepe, the authentic Arizona leprechaun.
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The barmaid was a lass named Monica, which I think is an Irish name, but I may only think that because I could have sworn I was in Ireland, what with people eating jalapeno poppers all around me. When I asked Monica for the worst drink she knew how to make, she had that same glimmer in her eyes I saw in the previous (cooperative) bartenders.
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This drink brought to you by Roe v. Wade.
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"How about an Abortion?" she asked. Holy fucking shit on a stack of fetuses, there's a drink called an Abortion. I asked her for one, and then I had a horrible realization. My camera isn't the best, and there's a noticable lag between taking pictures. In order to get me drinking the shot, and then reacting, I'd have to order two. So I did. An Abortion is made by adding Bailey's to Peach Schnapps until it reaches the consistancy of monkey jism, then adding just a touch of grenadine to make it look bloody. Ignoring the protests and biblical scriptures, I had my first abortion.
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How bad could it be?
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Family Planning lied! They said it would be painless!
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The strangest thing about the drink was that it tasted good. It was like liquifed, liquorfied candy. But the floating jizz-bombs of Bailey's, coupled with the syrupy goop of grenadine, gave it the consistency of lung-butter. It was like drinking a sweet wad of phlegm, the kind of phlegm you only get when your sinuses become so infected with disease that they're ready to make your head explode. What a strange tincture, tasted good but felt so bad. Oh, and the whole "dead baby" imagery ... I'll leave that battle to the courts.
I couldn't end the night with a drink that tasted pleasant, so after a good three minutes of soul-searching, I made my way to The Grill, the all-night diner and bar located in the homeless district of town (also known as "downtown.")
Next: Fire in the Hole! >>
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