TINNED MEAT TASTE TEST #2: POTTED MEAT

Potted Meat's can promises "Natural Flavorings" in its mish-mash of beef tripe and "mechanically-separated chicken." This phrase makes me think that at some Hormel factory in Minneapolis there are men whose occupation is tossing flailing chickens into whirling blades of death. Possibly an assembly line of robot arms pull various parts off the chickens as a conveyor belt slowly scoots them by.

The smell of potted meat is eerily similar to the smell of tuna. Maybe it has something to do with the cans used, but this stuff definitely reeks of old fish. Also, I've never been able to actually describe "salt" as a smell, but this stuff definitely has it.

SMELL: 2/10 ("Whatever that is, it died awhile ago.")

As for how it looks, well, it ain't pretty. Water pools on the surface of the meat, dotted with grease bubbles. The color can only be described as "disturbingly pink" and is reminiscent of a paste made from human skin. Equally upsetting is the fact that this "meat" has the consistency of pudding; so it's just like eating pudding. In hell.

APPEARANCE: 2/10 ("You first.")

But it's survival food, right? It doesn't have to be pretty, it has to nourish you in your time of struggle. The pictures on the can suggested spreading it on crackers, but I decided it was more realistic to eat it straight from the can. I also took great pains to take the most dignified photos possible, completely eliminating the possibility of someone photoshopping a dick in my mouth.

The potted meat had a horrible grainy texture that felt like eating salt pudding with sand in it. I could feel it between my teeth despite not having to chew. That's right. Potted meat melts in your mouth. The bite I took instantly dissolved into a salt pile on my tongue and actually induced gagging. So on the upside, if you or someone in your survival group loses their teeth, potted meat could save the day. Assuming they really really like salt.

TASTE: 3/10 ("You promise this didn't come out of your ass? Swear it didn't come out of your ass. I don't believe you.")