TINNED MEAT TASTE TEST #3: VIENNA SAUSAGES

I've never been to Vienna, but their idea of sausage leaves a lot to be desired. I mean, this is (allegedly) Austria, home of the frankfurter, bratwurst, Kasekrainer, and wiener schnitzel.

When I popped it open, the Vienna Sausage can let out a soft fart that immediately reached up and clung to my individual nose hairs, refusing to leave. It had nutty undertones of cat food, but overall the smell wasn't quite as dense as potted meat. Slight improvement.

SMELL: 3/10 ("I hope that sweaty crotch smell isn't coming from me.")

I expected a Bavarian fantasy land to come popping out of the can when I opened it. Instead, I got a small cluster of baby dicks. Compounding the gross factor is the yellow-tinged liquid that these things are soaking in.

APPEARANCE: 3/10 ("Yeah. Baby penis.")

When it comes down to the nitty gritty though, the Vienna Sausages are down right passable. They have a hot dog-like texture and a sort of hot dog-ish taste to go with it. If you remember to pack some ketchup or barbecue sauce you could serve these to company. Sure, they're the bottom of the barrel now, but these things could be fancy eats in your bomb shelter.

TASTE: 5/10 ("I'd still rather eat a regular hot dog.")

Three tinned meats down. I wanted to hang up my taste buds and close the book on this experiment, but I had a few more products to tackle. And I saved the worst for last.