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When I mentioned to a friend of mine I was doing this experiment she suggested Corned Beef Hash, saying it was "easily the tastiest canned meat." I think she was counting on me cooking it.
I was a little nervous about eating this stuff raw, as the ingredients list both "beef" and "cooked beef," but I had to press on in the name of comedy science. Besides I figured there'd be enough salt in there to kill anything really dangerous. Two words: dog food. As soon as I opened the can, I got that pungent wet dog food odor of heavy beef stock and low grade meat. Even compared to the others, it was above and beyond foul. SMELL: 1/10 ("This probably shouldn't be eaten
by people.") This stuff was by far the worst looking of the lot, as the beef had taken a browner-than-expected color from the juice at the bottom of the can and the pale diced potatoes jutted out like overripe pimples. It slid all too easily from the can with a quiet "thwuck" onto the plate, remaining in its original shape. Still, it didn't look like pink pudding or tiny genitalia. APPEARANCE: 4/10 ("Shut the blinds. I don't want people seeing this.") It was time to dig in. I took a heaping forkful and unfortunately didn't get to snap a picture because I literally retched in my trash can. I don't know if it was the culmination of all the Shakespearety meat, but this was absolute overload. Again there was the horrible gritty texture, but this one was punctuated with soft, doughy landmines of potato. I've had Corned Beef Hash cooked, and it was alright. It made me feel like I was in a Steinbeck novel, but it didn't taste bad. Straight out of the can, though, is not an option. TASTE: 1/10 ("That's going to take more than
one pull of bourbon.")
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