My name's Tony Ronzoni, and I'm a nippleholic. In my lifetime, I've seen hundreds of thousands of nipples (half a dozen of them in person), and that's why I get so mad when I look through the Victoria's Secret catalog and can't find a single nipple. They're either covered in some bizarre pose that makes the model look like she just broke her arm (see photo at right), or they've been digitally removed. That's why my new book, How To Draw The Nipples Back On Victoria's Secret Catalog Models Using Adobe Photoshop, gives you step-by-step instructions on how to put the nipples back in! Take the following chapter, for instance...


Cutting and Pasting Nipples: Advanced Techniques
Through creative experimentation with different source photos, you can create realistic-looking nipples for practically any Victoria's Secret model.

In our last lesson, we learned how to cut and paste the nipple from this photo (an artificial breast from my personal collection -- I use it as an endcushion on my sofa) into the Victoria's Secret photo pictured here. The resulting picture is good enough to fool all but the most advanced experts, who might detect slight differences in shading.

Obviously, though, one pair of nipples does not fit all. What I recommend doing is keeping a stock library of nipples on your hard drive, and "mixing and matching," as one would coordinate fall or summer fashions. For instance, here's a photo of Victoria's Secret model Naomi Campbell.

For women of color, I'll often use a photo of chocolate candies like these.

The finished photo, you'll agree, melts in your mouth.

Or take this Victoria's Secret model, who looks like she was up late last night trying to score some heroin:

For this job, I located a photo of a pregnant rhesus monkey -- a motherlode of nipples!

Combine the two, and you've got hours of animal enjoyment.

Finally, check out this photo of a Victoria's Secret model, where they tease you with the faintest hint of "nip slip." Sweet Heavenly FATHER, how they tease you!

We'll combine it with this photo of a goat-milking machine I found on a farming supply website:

The resulting photo, after being manipulated in Adobe Photoshop:

Whoa! Is it cold in here, or does someone have enormous rubber goat-milkers? Who's got their fog lights on? Why would anyone need two doorbells? I see she supplies her own coat rack! Is one of those the "degauss" button? Somebody call Tolkien, because I've spotted the Two Towers! Tit for tat, that is one hot nipple photo!


Tony Ronzoni is a frequent lecturer and motivational speaker on the subject of nipples. His latest book, How To Draw The Nipples Back On Victoria's Secret Catalog Models Using Adobe Photoshop, is available at less discriminating bookstores.