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My Star Trek rant
It's not growing old that's the problem, it's growing old with dignity.We'll start with the original Star Trek, the one that started this whole disease. Let's get one thing straight: the show sucked. There was exactly one good episode, the one with the furry things. All the rest were cheesy and lame. The special effects blew. The technology was inconsistent. The storylines were lukewarm and unimaginative.
And then there were the movies. First there was Star Trek: The Motion Picture, which was like drinking your own bathwater. There's a 15 minute scene in there where they blur the camera lens a little bit and insist they're going through some space/time warp. But it was the second movie, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, that really got to me. I was a teenager and everyone told me how disgusting the earwig scene was. I couldn't wait! Rabid earwigs burrowing into people's skulls! Then I saw it. It was a friggin' gummi worm in a pool of ketchup. That was supposed to be disgusting? Seeing Ricardo Montalban without a shirt was far worse.
The cast, I think, were the rejects from the Barney Miller audition. William Shatner is like a genetics experiment gone wrong. Oh sure, he's left his acting mark on history - there was Rescue 911 and T.J. Hooker. Star Trek V is sure to leave him in the directing company of Hitchcock and Fellini. And then there were the oh-so-brilliant Tek Wars books, which personally I think he stole at gunpoint from a Star Trek scriptwriter.
There was Leonard Nimoy, who...ah...well, didn't he do some car commercials or something? And Nichelle Nichols, who did...um...a lot of Star Trek conventions. And a bunch of other really, really talented actors.
But Shatner and company just had to keep doing their damn sequels until they were so bedridden and incontinent that Paramount wouldn't even insure them. After every one it was like, "This will be our last movie ever. This is it. We promise. No more. Go see it, 'coz this is your last chance." And then a year later we'd hear, "Okay, we're not fooling this time. This is absolutely the last one. Go see it, 'coz this is your last chance."
Face it! They're NEVER going to stop doing sequels! I can't wait until they die, and legions of Trekkies will have to wheel in their smelly, rotting bodies to conventions so they can ask them questions like, "What really happened behind the scenes in Episode #32?" and "Did you find it peculiar that your phaser had an oblong protrusion in Scene 4 of Episode #12?"
On to Star Trek: The Next Generation. An average show. If Patrick Stewart was half the distinguished actor everyone makes him out to be, he wouldn't have done the cameo in Robin Hood: Men In Tights. And just give that cast another three decades. They'll be bald and covered with liver spots, but the women will still pretend like they're sex symbols, and the men will still pretend like they're dashing and young.
Something needs to be said about that peculiar brand of Star Trek humor, like "it's not funny." The only people who find any of Data's lines funny are guys who sit in every night and masturbate every time Deanna Troy comes on screen.
And who the hell would name an android "Data" anyway? For God's sake, "DATA" IS A NOUN! LIKE "TELEVISION" OR "CINDERBLOCK" OR "COFFEE MUG"! Who would name their robot Coffee Mug? It's exactly the same thing!
And now there's a new spinoff every goddam season!
ARGH! DEATH TO STAR TREK!
I'll tell them where they can all "boldly go!" Inside my white bespeckled flab-ridden hairy ass!
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