After the success of PRANK THE MONKEY, everyone keeps asking what my next book project is going to be. Sometimes I'll just say the first thing that comes to mind, which the other day was: "Cooking with Viagra."

"A Viagra cookbook?" asked my grandmother.

"Cooking sells, and Viagra sells," I explained. "Plus, the name is funny."

There was awkward silence, which I never let stand in the way of a good conversation.

"Women would buy a Viagra cookbook," I explained. "Because the way to a man's penis is through his stomach. Or at least that's what my surgeon told me."

More silence. Either she was offended, or had fallen asleep. At her age, it's hard to tell.

"It would have recipes like Oysters Cockefeller," I went on. "Which is oysters with a dose of Cialis. Of course, you'd need a Cialis prescription."

"What?" she yelled. "Honey, I'm hard of hearing."

"With my cookbook," I responded, "your hearing won't be the only hard thing in your life. Wait until you try the Levitra Lasagna."



Over the next few days, the Viagra cookbook idea started to simmer. "Cooking with Viagra" would offer dozens of delicious meals using boner drugs -- Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. The categories would range from "Cocktails" (heh) to "Happy Endings" (double heh). The comedy writes itself.



As often happens, my little idea became an obsession. I went to buy some online Viagra, then did a series of experiments in my test kitchen.



How would you work these drugs into a recipe? I tried grinding Viagra into powder using a mortar and pestle, which worked well, although the taste was bitter, like coffee grounds mashed in escarole.



I tried dissolving the powder in hot water. A cup of black tea helped camouflage the taste, which is a new drink I'm calling either "Tea-vitra" or just "Teabag." (Funny names are important.)



I discovered the powder must be served on something that kills the taste. Sprinkling the Viagra on top of a banana, for instance, did not work. Tasted awful, and I had to spit it out. (Ladies, I now know how you feel.)



While the Levitra tasted similarly asslike, the Cialis had a surprising sweetish flavor, and could almost be eaten straight. Or maybe I got the Flintstones Chewable Cialis.



Then it hit me: why should I come up with these recipes, when you guys could do the work for me? The only important thing is the name; we'll do the rest. Come up with funny food names involving either Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra, and you could see your recipe in this esteemed cookbook.