Customer Service DEATHMATCH:
Prank Phone Call to Cialis

Finally, I called Eli Lilly, makers of Cialis, where I was promised I would be connected to a "healthcare professional."

Unfortunately, the healthcare professional thought I was a woman.

[Listen to the Cialis prank phone call.]

CIALIS: Donna speaking, how may I help you?

JH: MY PENIS JUST EXPLODED!

CIALIS: I'm sorry ma'am, could you repeat that?

JH: MY PENIS EXPLODED!

CIALIS: Are you on one of our products?

JH: YES, I'M ON CIALIS!

CIALIS: Okay, I'm going to go ahead and get you transferred over to a healthcare professional.

JH: WHO ARE YOU!?

CIALIS: I'm going to get you transferred to a healthcare professional, sir.

JH: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL!?

[Hold time of 3:30]

CIALIS: Sir, thank you for holding. I have Tracy on the line to speak with you.

JH: [Moaning] HELLO?

CIALIS: Sir, I understand your penis just exploded.

JH: YES!

CIALIS: Okay, can you describe to me what you mean by that?

JH: I was taking Cialis, and it was BIG and VERY HARD and it WOULDN'T GO DOWN, and then it got BIGGER and BIGGER and PURPLE and VEINY and THROBBING and then it EXPLODED. [Wailing]

CIALIS: Okay, so it just kept getting bigger and bigger, and turned purple, is that what you said?

JH: YES!

CIALIS: And then it started throbbing?

JH: YES! And then ... KABOOM! [Moaning]

CIALIS: Is your penis attached to your body?

JH: Part of it. [Here I started laughing]

CIALIS: Are you saying that your penis is not attached to your body anymore?

JH: About half of it!

CIALIS: Half of your penis is not attached to your body?

JH: YES!

CIALIS: Sir, you need to call 911.

JH: I know! I'm going to end up like JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT! I'm going to be in a porno movie!

CIALIS: Sir, did someone cut your penis off?

JH: NO! IT WAS THE CIALIS! IT WAS TOO STRONG!

CIALIS: What dose of Cialis did you take?

JH: 10,000 milligrams.

CIALIS: 10,000 milligrams!?

JH: Yes.

CIALIS: Sir, there's not even a 10,000 milligram dose.

JH: There is for me. [Laughing again]

CIALIS: Where did you get this Cialis?

JH: It was from my uncle.

CIALIS: You got it from your uncle?

JH: Yes. He is a doctor, though. [Softly] A doctor of love.

CIALIS: Okay sir, I...

JH: Can they stitch it back on?

CIALIS: I don't know if they'll be able to stitch it back on.

JH: [Crying] Oh no, what do I do with it? What do I do with it? Do I put it in a glass of water?

CIALIS: Sir, I don't know. If you want to take it with you, you could put it in some kind of container...

JH: Like what?

CIALIS: I don't know. I don't know if you should put it in water, or ice...

JH: Tupperware?

CIALIS: Sir, I don't know how you should transport your penis to the hospital.

JH: Does it need to be kept fresh? Do I need it, like, in a Ziploc bag or something?

CIALIS: I don't know if you should put it in a Ziploc bag. You just need to call 911.

JH: I THOUGHT YOU WERE A NURSE!

CIALIS: I am a nurse sir, but there's nothing else I can do for you, and I'm going to disconnect. Thank you for calling Lilly. [Hangs up]