Customer Service DEATHMATCH
Between Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis
by John Hargrave
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Customer Service DEATHMATCH:
Prank Phone Call to Levitra
Next I called the competiton, Levitra, which is manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline. GSK has one of those ridiculous voice recognition systems that refused to connect me with an operator. I screamed "OPERATOR!" at the top of my lungs, and the system finally obeyed me.
It took me eighty-eight seconds to speak to a live human. And then she hung up on me.
[Listen to the Levitra Hotline prank phone call.]
LEVITRA: GSK Response Center, this is Susie, how may I help you?
JH: I WAS TAKING LEVITRA, AND MY PENIS EXPLODED!
LEVITRA: [Hangs up]
Incredibly rude and unprofessional. Even if she thought it was a prank phone call, maybe it's a guy whose penis has exploded. I called back a few times, until I finally got the woman who hung up on me, which is always the most satisfying outcome.
LEVITRA: GSK Response Center, this is Susie, may I help you?
JH: Susie, you hung up on me before! Now LISTEN TO ME. I called 911, they told me it was YOUR PROBLEM because YOU MADE THE DRUG! And it was Levitra that I should call, so I'm CALLING YOU! I'm TIRED OF THE RED TAPE and my PENIS HAS EXPLODED and it REALLY HURTS and I NEED SOME HELP.
LEVITRA: You said, you called 911 and they told you to call us?
JH: YES! Because YOU MADE THE DRUG! IT'S YOUR FAULT! OWWWWWWW!
LEVITRA: It sounds like you're in severe pain. It sounds like you may -- are you having some type of medical emergency?
JH: YES! MY PENIS EXPLODED!!!
LEVITRA: If you're having a medical emergency, you may want to consider calling 911 again, let them know you need to be treated.
JH: AHH! This is TONS OF RED TAPE, and I'm TIRED OF IT! Why doesn't someone TAKE RESPONSIBILITY? [Unintelligible speech]
LEVITRA: ...
JH: Why don't you have any doctors on staff?
LEVITRA: I'm a pharmacist, but we don't have any physicians here that you can speak with. But it sounds like you need personal medical attention.
JH: [Wailing] You're not a doctor!?
LEVITRA: And it sounds like you need to be seen and evaluated by a physician.
JH: How many years did you go to school?
LEVITRA: I don't necessarily think that's relevant to the issue that's at hand...
JH: I'll tell you what's "at hand" is the remains of my exploded penis. OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
LEVITRA: Are you bleeding?
JH: Yes, I'M BLEEDING! WHEN YOUR PENIS EXPLODES, YOU TEND TO BLEED! OWWWWWW! DON'T MAKE ME YELL! THAT MAKES IT WORSE!
LEVITRA: Sir, I think you need to get medical attention, so I highly recommend you to go to a physician, go to a hospital, or call 911.
JH: I don't believe in doctors! I'm a Christian Scientist! [Weeps softly]
LEVITRA: Sir, you need to be seen by a physician. I can't do anything over the phone for you, sir.
JH: You can pray!
LEVITRA: You need to be evaluated by a doctor.
JH: Can you send me a Band-Aid? Or a tourniquet? [More yelling, rustling] I'm going to get some alcohol from the closet. One second. OK, I'm just to just pour it on now to disinfect it.
LEVITRA: [Anxiously] Sir, I would not recommend for you to do anything until you call 911.
JH: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
JH: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
LEVITRA: Sir, I'm going to disconnect the call now and recommend for you to call 911, OK?
JH: [Mighty scream]
My apologies about blowing your speakers there.
In the end, the Levitra customer rep ended up being pretty sympathetic, maybe a 9. Unfortunately, hanging up on a castrated man lowers that score to a 5.
I still had one more place to try: Cialis. Stay tuned for the explosive conclusion.
Next: Prank Phone Call to Cialis! >>
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