Customer Service DEATHMATCH:
Levitra Calls Back!

And so it seemed that the winner of our Customer Service Deathmatch, by an explosive margin, was Cialis. But, wait! After we published these important scientific findings, I got a followup call from Schering-Plough, the company that markets Levitra.

I was busy, and I didn't return the call. They called me again. And again. They called me a total of five times before I finally got around to calling them back.

I spoke with a young woman named Jackie, who was the most gracious customer service representative I've pranked in my career. Get this: she stayed on the phone for a total of thirty-four minutes. A 34-minute prank phone call is a new record. Due to server limitations, we can't post the entire call, but we can offer this greatly condensed version, which should be played at every customer service training center in the world.

[Listen to the Levitra LSD prank phone call.]

LEVITRA: Schering-Plough Medical Information, how may I help you?

JH: Okay. I called and I had a problem. I took a massive dose of Levitra, and I thought my penis had exploded.

LEVITRA: [Pause] Okay.

JH: Turns out, I hadn't taken Levitra after all, but a tablet of LSD, and I was hallucinating that my penis exploded.

LEVITRA: [Longer pause] Okay.

JH: And then pudding came out. It was like vanilla pudding, and it was dripping down the walls, which were melting. And the penis was lying in a pool of pudding! [Wailing] Penis pudding! So I'm calling to make sure this was not the Levitra.

LEVITRA: Oh, OK. So you're calling to report that it wasn't the Levitra.

JH: I don't think so.

LEVITRA: Okay.

JH: I think it was the LSD.

LEVITRA: Did you just take it?

JH: I don't know. I take a lot of drugs. But I think so. I think. Yes.

LEVITRA: [Even longer pause] Okay.

JH: And then these elves came in, and they started dancing a sprightly jig. [Crying] And then Mickey Rooney floated in through the window!

LEVITRA: Hold on one minute for me, okay?

JH: [Screaming] AAAAAAHHHHHHH! MONKEYS! THERE'S MONKEYS! THERE'S MONKEYS EVERYWHERE! AAAAHHHHH! AHHHHH, MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP! [Calming] Okay. Hello? Hello?

LEVITRA: Yes?

JH: I'm sorry. That was weird. Okay, what's going on? What's going on?

LEVITRA: I don't know, you contacted me. Is there something we can help you with?

JH: My penis has blown off, and my balls are in the sink. [Crying again] Oh no! My nads. This is not good! Not good!

LEVITRA: Okay, but what I'm saying to you is, if this was the case, you probably would be bleeding.

JH: I am bleeding. I'm bleeding baked beans!

LEVITRA: You're bleeding baked beans? Okay. Well again, not typical...

JH: Could this be the Levitra? Does it make you bleed baked beans?

LEVITRA: Not likely, but again, these are not things that occur with taking Levitra tablets, it has never been reported, bleeding baked beans. You need to talk to your doctor.

JH: I would think that would be an easy question to answer "yes" or "no"!

LEVITRA: I said, it's not a typical ... I mean, does anybody bleed baked beans?

JH: I AM!

LEVITRA: Okay.

JH: There's skulls flying all around me. There is an enormous bust of David Hasselhoff staring at me, and it's not fun! IT'S NOT FUN!

LEVITRA: Okay, you're calling drug information for Levitra. So if you don't have a specific question regarding Levitra...

JH: Okay, listen. All right. We have to get serious about this.

LEVITRA: I'm not sure what's causing your experience.

JH: Why are you speaking in French?!

LEVITRA: I'm not speaking in French.

JH: STOP IT!

LEVITRA: If it sounds like I'm speaking to you in French...

JH: That's scaring me. I don't like French.

LEVITRA: You need to talk to your doctor.

JH: NOT THE POPE! NYAAAAHHHHHHH!

LEVITRA: All right, hold on one minute, please. I'm not going to hang up.

JH: DO NOT HANG UP!

LEVITRA: I'm not. Hold on.

[Hold time of 00:44]

LEVITRA MANAGER: Hi, can I help you?

JH: Hi there, my name is John Hargrave, I run a site called ZUG.com. I am proud to announce that you, Schering Pharmaceuticals, have won Best Erectile Drug Customer Service Satisfaction. And it's all because of your outstanding associate Jackie. She's amazing. She should be rewarded with a large raise, and a bonus, then you should give her a backrub, and a footrub, and then just ply her with all the free drugs that she can handle.

LEVITRA: [Chuckling] Okay.

JH: Because you've probably got a lot of those sitting around in a closet or something.

LEVITRA: All right, John. I'll tell her the good news.

JH: Thank you. Have a great day.

LEVITRA: Take care. Bye.

Viva Levitra!