Customer Service DEATHMATCH:
Prank Phone Call to Viagra

There's a lot of argument over which of the three popular erectile dysfunction drugs is better: Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra. But what most people forget to ask is, Which drug will have the most sympathetic customer service if something, you know, goes wrong?

I decided to call all three drug hotlines, with the worst kind of boner-related emergency, and see who would be most willing to help. The first customer service line I called, the Viagra Hotline, answered right away, although they did play a commercial first.

[Listen to the Viagra Hotline prank phone call.]

VIAGRA: Good afternoon and thank you for calling about Viagra, also known as sildenafil citrate. My name's Sean, how may I help you?

JH: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! MY PENIS EXPLODED! I was taking Viagra, and it wouldn't go down, and it got bigger and bigger, and then it exploded! And it hurt so badly, and there's blood and penis tissue everywhere. WHAT DO I DO?!

VIAGRA: Okay, I understand, I would like you to keep this call professional...

JH: I'M TRYING TO KEEP IT PROFESSIONAL, MY PENIS EXPLODED!!

VIAGRA: Could I have your name please, so I can address you accordingly?

JH: Yes, my name is John! Hargrave! OWWWWWWWWWW!!!

VIAGRA: I'm sorry, what was the last name again?

JH: HARGRAVE! H-A-R-G-R-A-V-E! I AM IN NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION!

VIAGRA: If it is a medical emergency, I would recommend that you dial 911.

JH: I CAN'T DIAL 911!

VIAGRA: You contacted our offices.

JH: MY NINE KEY IS BROKEN! OHHHHHHHHHHH!

VIAGRA: We are not health care professionals, so obviously I cannot offer you medical advice.

JH: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Has this happened to anyone else?

VIAGRA: I would not be able to answer that question regarding other people that have taken Viagra.

JH: It got bigger, and bigger, and more swollen, AND THEN IT JUST EXPLODED. And the head is lying over there NEXT TO THE SOFA! [Starts crying] Ohhhhh. Oh, you guys are in big trouble. There's penis tissue on the walls, and the floor, and AHHHHHHH!

VIAGRA: Well, what I would advise is dialing O for operator, and then then can hold of 911 for you.

JH: Oh, why did I take your drug? WHY DID I TAKE IT? OUCH! Sean, it hurts so badly!

VIAGRA: I understand, and like I said, I'll be happy to transfer you to our drug and safety. Is there anything else I can help you with today before I transfer?

JH: I don't want to be transferred, I WANT SOMEONE WHO CARES!

VIAGRA: I would recommend terminating the call and dialing O for operator, and you can call the local emergency to come and help you.

JH: [Crying] I'm looking for a little more sympathy.

VIAGRA: Is there anything else today John that I can help you with?

JH: MY PENIS LOOKS LIKE THE END OF AN EXPLODED FLOWER.

VIAGRA: There is nothing further I can do regarding that, besides having you contact 911.

JH: I am going to contact a LAWYER. And that lawyer is going to come back on Pfizer, and he's going to find other men whose penises have exploded, and we're going to file a CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT!

VIAGRA: If you feel that's the route to go, then by all means, you do what you need to do. But I would recommend to contact your local emergency authorities.

JH: How do I clean this up?

VIAGRA: I cannot answer that question for you.

JH: You can't answer how to clean up my penis tissue?

VIAGRA: We are not health care professionals, sir.

JH: That's not a health care question, it's a simple sanitation question.

VIAGRA: That is not an area we are trained in, sir.

JH: You don't know how to clean up?

VIAGRA: Sir, I am going to terminate this call, you have yourself a very good day.

[Hangs up]